"Having it all" isn't as good as it sounds

The biggest source of angst and frustration for mothers (and, increasingly, fathers!) is the fact that it seems that none of us can "have it all." The challenge of balancing work and family life is common to moms of all walks of life. Stay-at-home moms often feel empty (or broke!) without separate careers, while moms who work outside the home feel like they don't get enough time to enjoy parenthood and family life. As one of the very few moms who really can "have it all," I have to say it's not what it's cracked up to be!

I'm lucky in that I have a successful, full-time career as a freelance writer. My schedule is flexible, I can work from home, and I don't have to call in to work if my daughter needs me to stay home and to take care of her when she's got the flu. I can work while my daughter's at the playground, or at school, or asleep in my lap, but, when she needs me, I can be there. I have the financial security and independence of a working mom and the close family bonds of a stay-at-home mom. It sounds like every parent's dream, but, to be perfectly honest, it's not much fun.

You see, when you have it all, you're never really off work. At any given time, I feel totally obligated to either have my computer in my lap and my fingers on the keyboard, or to be directly entertaining my daughter. When she was a baby, I would often nurse her, or rock her, or let her sleep on my chest while I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, desperately churning out articles and stories to make ends meet. I never had time to myself. Even now that my daughter is much older, a day "off work" sounds completely alien to me. On the rare days that I'm not writing and that my daughter is away or occupied, I'm a whirlwind of house-cleaning and errands.

After five years of having it all, I don't know what a real "day off" feels like anymore, or what I would do if I had one. I'm lucky enough to have the benefits of being both a stay-at-home mom and a working mom, but that also means having all of the responsibilities. It's suffocating, exhausting, and tedious.

I'm not saying that my life is inherently harder than any other parent's life. There are benefits to both staying at home and to working outside of the home, but even those of us who get to have both at once don't have perfect lives or careers. No matter what road we take in our journeys as moms, we've got our own set of challenges to face.

5 Tips for Avoiding Work-at-Home Mom Burnout

For the first few years of my career as a work-at-home mom, I honestly thought that I had the best of every world. I got to be at home with my wonderful baby, bonding with her, teaching her, and caring for her. I spent many a night typing up articles while nursing her to sleep, constantly thankful that I could do two incredibly important jobs at the exact same time.

But now, three and a half years into my job as a mother and my job as a writer, those moments of blissful best-of-both-worlds concede into moments of what-the-heck-am-I-doing. What was once an unbelievably satisfying career seems stagnant and unaccomplished. It was because of this stage in my career -- work-at-home mom burnout -- that I almost surrendered my dream career in favor of a far less flexible, far less lucrative job.

Other freelancing parents I know have suffered from this same experience. Work-at-home-mom burnout is a very real, very common phenomenon -- and, if we don't overcome it, it can cost us our livelihoods. Here are some tips for avoiding work-at-home mom burnout.

1. Get to work. To me, the best tool for overcoming WAHM burnout was to get my butt to work. Days of Facebooking and news-reading while simply writing in the background don't feel like work -- they feel suspiciously like laziness, and they're a great way to completely ruin your career. We work-at-home moms have the luxury of setting our own schedules, but we'll end up fading into oblivion if we fail to actually act upon those schedules.

2. Spend time away from your children. It's easy enough to burn out as a stay-at-home mom if you never have time away from your kids. When you couple that with never being away from your in-home job, you've got a recipe for utter disaster. Who wouldn't become burned out after spending weeks, months, or even years juggling a constant stream of childcare and career-duties, all at the same time? Whether by school, daycare, a babysitter, or your spouse, make time to be apart from your kids while you work. When you do this, you'll appreciate both your kids and your job on a deeper and more complete level.

3. Give yourself a break. Even the greatest of supermoms can't juggle constant childcare and constant work, with no breaks for free-time and fun. Cut yourself some slack and take a few hours, or a few days, to simply have fun. And no, your "day off" doesn't mean a day spent doing laundry and vacuuming the playroom floor. Work-at-home moms need date nights, weekend vacations, margaritas, and TV -- days just like everyone else on earth. These breaks are essential to your sanity, and to preventing WAHM burnout.

4. Leave your house.

It's all too easy to fall into the pattern of working all day in your pajamas, on your couch -- but you can't do that. At least, you can't do that unless you're prepared to accept burnout as a very real possibility for your career. A monotone life with no sunlight and no new scenery will leave you feeling depressed and unaccomplished. You don't have to work at home to be a work-at-home mom. You can also be a work-at-cafe mom, a work-at-the-library mom, or a work-in-the-park mom.

5. Branch out your career. Burnout is inevitable if your career stays the exact same for years on end, whether you work from home or work in a conventional setting. If you spend every single day making the exact same cloth diapers, writing about the exact same subject, or creating near-identical works of art, you need to branch out. Learn a new craft, write about a new topic, offer a new product, or study a new skill. The fact that you are in control of your own career means that it is open to any new changes you want to create.

5 Things Moms Need to Stop Fighting About

The Mommy Wars are unending. Everywhere we turn, mothers are griping at one another, often in incredibly vicious ways. In my four years as a mom and a freelance writer, I have experienced every manner of harsh criticism from readers, family members, and even friends. At least a handful of readers have gone so far as to say that I don't deserve to be a mother.

Early in my life as a mommy, I believed that I had parenting all figured out, but I now know better. Looking on the last four years with hindsight of 20/20, I feel shocked, frustrated, and disturbed by the amount of dirt that we moms tend to sling at each other. There are some situations that mothers should never be criticized or attacked for. Here are a few of them.

1. Don't judge moms' medical decisions for their kids. A mother once accused me of abuse for vaccinating my child. Another accused a non-vaccinating parent of the same thing. I have also heard mothers harshly judge one another for the use of complementary alternative medicine, the induction of post-term labor, and the use of doctor-approved alternative treatments for incurable medical conditions. Although I may disagree strongly with some moms' medical choices, I ultimately realize that we all have different experiences, different health care providers, and different children -- and that one child's needs may be very different from another's. This is one point that moms need to stop attacking each other about.

2. Never criticize moms living in poverty. 

As someone who has survived the darkest side of poverty in America, I feel disgusted and sick when I hear moms criticizing those living in poverty. You don't know the story of the "welfare mom" with three kids. She could have been fairly stable until the death of her husband. She could be a survivor of domestic abuse. And even if she has simply made bad life decisions, your judgment won't undo them. Impoverished mothers need sympathy and respect, not ridicule.

3. Stop playing 'greener than thou.'

I'm that crazy environmentalist mom who used cloth diapers, feeds her kid organic food, brings bags to the store, and recycles. While I think it would be great if all other parents made the same choices, I'm sick of seeing the competition of green living between other moms. There are moms who don't have the financial means to buy organic, moms who are physically unable to breastfeed, moms who live in areas without recycling, and moms who don't have washing machines to launder cloth diapers. It's unfair to judge moms for not being pristine examples of Mrs. Green, since you never know what circumstances might contribute to a parents' lifestyle decisions.

4. The working mom vs. stay-at-home-mom wars need to stop now. 

All right moms: let's call a truce. Working moms are not better than stay-at-home moms. Stay-at-home-moms are not better than work-at-home moms. A parent's choice to work at home, away from home, or as a full-time parent is not anyone else's business. Your finances aren't a judgment of how good of a parent you are. The cleanliness of your oven, the number of hot breakfasts you serve, and the amount of time you spend working with your child in your lap are completely irrelevant as measures of your parenting ability. A child needs love -- not a working mom, not a stay-at-home mom, and not any other iteration of hard-working parent.

5. A mom's relationship status has nothing to do with her parenting ability. 

Single moms aren't the pathetic dregs of society; many are wholly competent parents who dedicate a lot of love, attention and affection to their kids. Moms who date are also not harming their kids; they're taking care of themselves -- and, by proxy, their children. And of course it's appalling to judge any parent based on her orientation, including for being in a same-sex relationship. Whom a mother loves -- along with, and in addition to her children -- has no bearing on her quality of parenthood.

5 Ways to Fight Mommy-Boredom

Before I had my daughter, I heard what I believed to be every complaint associated with parenting. I heard from nearly everyone that parenthood is maddening, exhausting, financially draining, and at times heartbreaking. No one told me, though, that it is so mind-numbingly boring. I adore my child and love spending time with her, but those occasional moments of joy and excitement seem to punctuate a dull career in motherhood.

I do manage to find plenty of ways to enjoy motherhood -- and I recognize that I'm lucky for listing "boredom" as the hardest thing about parenting for me. The defeat of boredom has been instrumental in helping me enjoy motherhood to the fullest. Here are some tips for fighting mommy-boredom.

1. Do something that you and your child both enjoy.

Whether it's a video game, a visit to the zoo, a board game, or a walk in the park, there are definitely a few things that you and your child share as common interests. No adult enjoys spending time at Chuck E. Cheese's or playing Candy Land 12 times in a row, but most parents will find at least a handful of interests they share with their children. Find something fun that you and your child can do together -- and then do it.

2. Go out and have fun. This is one point in the resolution of boredom that I wish I'd reached long ago. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going out and having a good time after a long day of Elmo, snotty noses, and math homework. If you need to unwind with a martini and a good friend once your kids are tucked in bed, and in the hands of a responsible caregiver, go for it! Your career as a parent can, should, and must include breaks. Whether it's getting lunch with a relative, a romantic dinner with your partner, or drinks with the gals, you owe yourself some you-time.

3. Sneak your own play-time into your child's play-time.

You don't have to wait until your kids are in bed, or in the hands of another caregiver, to have time for yourself. You can read a book while nursing your baby, surf the Web while your preschooler is watching a movie, watch TV while your grade-schooler plays outside. You can have fun while your child is having fun -- without neglecting your responsibilities or doing the same thing your kid's doing.

4. Pick up old hobbies. Think back to your life before you became a parent. Chances are good that you feel like a completely different person now. Your priorities, interests, and hobbies have all changed radically. While I think that most of the changes of parenthood are positive, we often forget -- somewhere between the diapers and the school bus -- what we really want for ourselves. If you used to enjoy painting, jogging, yoga, or music, get back on the horse. It's important to retain hobbies and interests from your pre-parent lifestyle.

5. Stay in touch. Nothing leads to boredom as much as social isolation. Any parent will get bored and depressed after spending weeks, months, or years without appreciable contact with the outside world. Chase away the mommy-blues by making sure that you have plenty of friends, family members, and (if applicable) colleagues who can share late-night phone calls and playground trips with you.

Boredom may be a common, if not universal, aspect of parenthood -- but there's no reason that we moms and dads can't have fun.

6 Things You Should Never Say to a Work-at-Home Mom

I'm ultimately happy with the choice I made to become a work-at-home mom. In the four years that have passed since my daughter was born, I've built an enjoyable career that enables me to work on my own schedule. It grants me the ability to simultaneously raise my daughter and expand my own pursuit of knowledge and success. However, one of the biggest downsides to a career as a work-at-home mom is facing the rude and awkward comments I get from others. Here are a few things that you should never, ever say to a work-at-home mom.

1. Do you get paid for it?

If I didn't get paid for it, I would call it a hobby, not a job. If I didn't have a job, I would be a stay-at-home mom, not a work-at-home mom.

2. It must be really nice having so much free time.

Working from home doesn't mean I'm never working. It means I'm always working. WAHM work is like a gas; it expands to fill whatever space it's given. Don't assume that work-at-home moms have a lot of free time. Chances are good that they barely have any free time at all.

3. It's great that your husband is willing to support you.

This one makes me gag because it's not just incorrect, but revoltingly sexist. Ever since I began working from home, most people have assumed that some wealthy male is backing my career. I have always been the primary breadwinner in my daughter's life. My work-at-home career is still a real career.

4. Can you get me a job doing that?

No. A work-at-home mom can't get you a job in her field any more than a doctor can get you a job as a doctor or a store-owner can give you your own store. We work hard to build our careers and have no ability to pass out work-at-home jobs to our friends and relatives.

5. How do you do it?

This is a common reaction among people who have a realistic view of how hard a work-at-home job really is. While I appreciate the recognition that my job is hard, I don't really want to give you an account of all the chores and projects I've done today.

6. How much do you make?

Unless you have absolutely no tact, I don't imagine you would ask most people this question. Why would a work-at-home mom be any exception to the basic rules of etiquette and decency? Remember that our jobs are like any other jobs, and that we are as entitled to privacy and respect as anyone else.

My job as a work-at-home mom is neither a dream nor a nightmare. It is a job, just like any other, and it has its perks and drawbacks. Although I'm happy to discuss my career with friends and family members, there are plenty of questions and statements that I hope to never hear again.

My Death as Supermom and Rebirth as Every-Mom

I used to be a supermom. Until my daughter was three years old, every day of her life included an hour of outdoor play, three organic meals, and at least twenty books. Screen time was out of the question until after her second birthday, and then it was limited to a half-hour per day. We worked constantly with both gentle discipline and early education: by two-and-a-half, she could give her name, age, phone number, and address-- and, just for the heck of it, she could recite the preamble and four Shakespearean soliloquies. I was "that" mom. I did everything right.

Yesterday, I was moving to a new apartment with my daughter. She was watching "My Little Pony" and eating potato chips while I placed her books on the shelf. As I organized some 700 children's books, I felt a pang of remorse realizing that some hadn't been read in a year or more. After my daughter had turned three, I had decided that she didn't need twenty books per day-- and, when she was three and a half, I went an entire day without reading to her for the first time in her entire life. Her massive collection of books, which I hoped would somehow validate my skills as a mother, was largely left unused.

It was in that moment that I realized that my days as a "supermom" are in the past. Over the last two years, I have gradually shifted away from being the manic mother who weighs vegetable servings for homemade baby food, reads parenting books after my kid goes to bed, and avoids nights-out like the plague. Now, I allow beds to go unmade and teeth to go unbrushed. After my daughter goes to bed, I'll often have a beer and play some mindless video game. Date nights and visits from friends are now as central to my life as snotty noses and homeschool worksheets.

The funny thing is that I feel little remorse about my death as Supermom and my rebirth as Everymom. When I look at my evolution over the last couple of years, I see a pattern not of failure, but of empowerment and relief. The most satisfying moment of my life as a mother came when my three-year-old daughter-- after a long an exhausting day-- went to bed without a bedtime story for the first time in her life. I calculated that she'd had a bedtime story for 1,241 days of her life. That meant 1,241 days of "perfect" motherhood. By punctuating those 1,241 days with a day of imperfection, I allowed myself a blissful moment of relief. It's like I could hear my mommy-conscience patting me on the back and saying, "That'll do." The next day, I went so far as to let my daughter eat a handful of M&Ms-- and I didn't feel guilty about it.

Perhaps predictably, my daughter has been happier and healthier than ever since I relieved myself of my position as Supermom. Since I began accepting my own imperfections, I've been much happier and much more ready to conquer the task of full-time motherhood without resentment or anxiety. I'm a better mom because I know I'm not a perfect mom, and the feelings of relief and acceptance are contagious. My daughter was perhaps even more relieved than me by the idea that it's okay to skip a bedtime story, and that ice cream for dinner-- every once in a while-- might not be such a bad thing.

Today, Supermom is a memory to me, not a lifestyle. I feel satisfaction and joy in knowing that the best mom I can possibly be while still giving myself the attention and relief I deserve. While I'll never dismiss myself as being "good enough" at motherhood, I've learned to accept that the best I can be is the best I can be-- and that my daughter doesn't want or need anything more.

Balancing Work and Family: Tips for Work-at-Home Moms

As a mom who works from home, I've had a hard time balancing work and parenting. If I spend too much time with my child, I feel guilty for neglecting my career. If I spend too much time working, I feel guilty to neglecting my toddler. However, after two and a half years of working from home, I believe that I have mastered the basic skills necessary to maintain a healthy balance of priorities.

Here are a few tips for work-at-home parents who struggle to balance work and family.

1. Take a family day. At least one or two days per month, I try to set aside time dedicated to just me and my daughter. I put my phone on "silent" and tuck my laptop in my sock drawer. Then, we spend the day doing fun things, like visiting the children's museum, having lunch with a friend or going to the petting zoo down the road. After dedicating a day to "us" time, I feel much better about encouraging her to play solo for a while.

2. Set work goals. The Almighty Deadline is one of the world's most powerful forces. If you are self-employed and do not function within anyone else's schedule, set goals for yourself and stick to them. How much money do you want to make this week? How many hours do you want to spend working? When you've established these goals, do your best to stick with them.

3. Set parenting goals. As a work-at-home mom, you should consider setting parenting goals in addition to work-related goals. I'll often tell myself that, on any given day, I'll complete at least one craft project with my daughter and spend at least half an hour reading books with her. Then, even if I have to use "The Lion King" as a babysitter while I finish an article, I can be assured that I've met my own mommy-goals and that I'm not unintentionally neglecting my toddler.

4. Take care of yourself. It's easy to drown in your work, both as a mom and as an entrepreneur, if you work from home. Remember to take time to yourself. Have a margarita after your kids go to bed. Watch an episode of South Park. Take time with your spouse or significant other. Call a friend. You can't take care of your child or your job if you are not meeting your own social and emotional needs.

5. Get peer support-- for your child, too. Socialization is critical to your child's development, and it can give you much-needed time to complete your own work-related goals. I will often take my daughter to the playground and let her interact with other children while I knock out a few articles. It keeps her entertained while also supporting her social development. Ideally, try to connect with other work-at-home moms and stay-at-home moms who have children the same age as yours. You'll both get to have much-needed time with your peers.