What to do When Your Child is Bullied

My 3-year-old daughter was born with a slightly lopsided smile. When she smiles, her mouth twists into an adorably asymmetrical grin. This never bothered my daughter until a few weeks ago, when she was playing at a playground. A 7-year-old playmate rudely announced, "What's wrong with your face? You look weird."

As a mom -- and as someone who was bullied as a kid -- I nearly lost my cool. Bullying isn't something that I expected my child to deal with until at least middle school. Nevertheless, I wanted to teach my daughter as early as possible that bullying is unacceptable and that she doesn't have to tolerate it. If you want to teach your child to resist bullying, these simple tips might help.

1. Offer comfort and compassion. If your child has been bullied, your job is -- first and foremost -- to provide emotional support. No matter how angry you are at the bully who is wronging your child, make your child's feelings the focus of your attention. Let your child know that you are there for her, and that she can talk to you any time she feels hurt by a playmate. Your child's emotional health should be your priority at all times.

2. Teach respect for self and others. After the altercation at the playground, I said to my daughter, "I noticed that little girl had very yellow teeth. Maybe she said something about the way you smile because she wanted to make herself feel prettier. But I wouldn't say anything to her about it, because that would hurt her feelings." I then pointed out that everyone has something that looks different. I mentioned that my nose is big and that I have more wrinkles than most people my age -- but that I know I'm beautiful. I want to give my daughter the message that bullies usually don't like themselves, and that it's important to love yourself no matter how "different" you are.

3. Talk about your own experiences, or someone else's. Your child is likely to feel like she's the only kid in the world who has ever been bullied. In reality, though, bullying is as old as time. Let her know that bullying happened to you, and to his siblings, and to his aunts and uncles. When your kid understands that bullying happened to grown-ups he now respects and admires, he's less likely to feel hurt or embarrassed by it.

4. Make sure she knows it's not her fault. No matter what your child does, she doesn't deserve to by bullied or harassed by other kids. If your child is eccentric, has special needs, or looks different from her peers, emphasize that these things are gifts, not flaws. Similarly, if your child displays gender-atypical behaviors (which are often summarized by immature kids as "acting gay"), let her know that it's not her fault and that it's a good idea to branch out from stereotypes.

5. Get in touch with other adults. You don't need to intervene in every conflict that takes place between your child and his peers, but, when bullying is severe or relentless, it's a good idea to step in. Talk to the parents of involved kids, and to any teachers or childcare providers who might be present when the bullying occurs. Make sure that the bully's caregivers are as actively involved as you are in deflecting bullying and the problems it causes.