Preparing for a New Baby When You Have a Child with Special Needs

I'm slowly discovering how feel strange, wonderful, and maybe even overwhelming it is to prepare for a new child when one (or more!) of your kids has special needs. My five-year-old daughter, who will be a big sister next year, has special needs and I keep finding myself questioning what it will be like. What if the new baby is just like her… and what if it's not? What if I can't tap into that limitless reserve of love and energy that it takes to care for my daughter… and what if I can? No matter where things go from here, one fact remains: my family is about to change. Here are some tips that I've found helpful for preparing for a new baby when you have an older kid with special needs.

1. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. You never have a guarantee that a baby will be healthy and easy, but that's especially true if there are conditions that run in your family. Prepare yourself for the possibility that your new baby will have special medical, emotional, or learning needs, but don't dwell on worries or negativities. Stay healthy during your pregnancy and get proper prenatal care, but know when you're making your long-term plans that your future-baby might be one high-need kid.

2. Don't play favorites. The sad reality is that, while most parents say they don't have favorites, many--when polled anonymously--admit that they actually do. Perhaps you might end up feeling warmer toward your special-needs child because of all that you've been through together, or feeling warmer toward the new baby simply because he's easier. Regardless, it's important to understand that these feelings aren't right and that they threaten to seriously hurt your children. Don't let this happen to you: love your kids differently, but equally.

3. Make time for you. Most moms don't get enough "me-time" shortly after having a new baby… and that's even more true for moms who have older kids with special needs. What's a mom to do? Take time for yourself often, and make sure you're getting enough time to sleep and space to breathe. If you can, take as much time for yourself during pregnancy as you can; the 24-hour shifts are coming soon!

4. Make time for your kids individually. Sibling rivalry can be intense. Make sure that, after the new baby arrives, you set aside special moments to bond with your kids individually. The baby might stay with Dad for a while so you can take your older kid to the playground, or you might hire a babysitter so you have some one-on-one time with your newest arrival. These "just us" times are the key to maintaining a healthy relationship with your special-needs older child as well as your new baby.