"You don't understand," I pleaded desperately to my daughter's pediatrician, "It's not just that she has separation anxiety. She's a year and a half old, and I've never once left her sight without it triggering all-out panic!"
Separation anxiety is a normal part of a baby's development, but many an emotionally exhausted, sleep-deprived mom has experienced what I've experienced -- separation anxiety in babies that goes beyond the range of "normal" or acceptable. Despite reassurances by my daughter's pediatrician, I couldn't convince myself that it was normal for my daughter to think that it was the end of the world each time I left the room. If you think that your baby's separation anxiety is outside the range of typical development, here are some things to consider.
Even lasting separation anxiety is normal. BabyCenter reports that healthy babies can develop separation anxiety as early as five months of age. It peaks between 12 and 18 months and may not subside until the child is in preschool. Even if your baby is anxious about separation from the time he sits up until the time he goes to Pre-K, he is still operating within the normal range of socio-emotional development.
"Independence" in babies is largely a cultural construct. In many cultures that favor highly attached, involved parenthood, it is considered to be abnormal for a baby or toddler to feel confident in his mother's absence. Current American culture tends to value premature autonomy in children, so we expect our babies to demonstrate independence when it is actually developmentally inappropriate. In some other cultures, "abnormal" separation anxiety is actually the norm for young children.
It's not your fault. I was absolutely certain that my baby's extreme separation anxiety was somehow my fault. I am a highly involved, attached parent, and many a mother suggested that my tendency to hold and interact with my daughter gave rise to her anxiety. I honestly do not think that this is the case -- I have seen plenty of babies show similar behaviors despite more rigid parenting, and I've seen plenty of babies who are held frequently show far less anxiety than my child. If your baby shows more separation anxiety than normal, don't blame yourself. Odds are good that you're doing a great job.
Your baby will outgrow it. When you've dealt with separation anxiety for a year or more, it may feel like there is no end in sight. You may start to feel like your kid is going to go to high school, still panicking each time you leave the room. This is almost certainly not the case. Separation anxiety is a temporary phase in a child's development and will pass in time. In the absolute worst of circumstances, your baby's lasting anxiety could require counseling, relaxation exercises, or some other treatment in the future. However, my own high-strung kiddo outgrew her separation anxiety almost overnight when she was two and a half-- and hasn't shown any signs of it since then.
Work within your child's needs.
Some babies are born to be high-strung and anxious. I believe that my own baby's emotional needs stemmed from genetic predisposition (I have an anxiety disorder) as well as unavoidable early-childhood environmental factors. While I can't change who she is as an individual, I make an effort to work within her unique needs while doing my best to encourage and facilitate her independence. You can't necessarily change your baby's inherent personality (and would you want to?) but you can parent effectively to minimize your child's stresses and challenges. If your baby's separation anxiety seems abnormal and you need help learning to manage it, get in touch with her pediatrician for tips and guidelines.
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