Why Yelling at Kids is Okay

When my daughter was born, I swore to myself that I would never, ever yell at her. I was so in love with my then-newborn baby that I couldn't begin to imagine her pressing my buttons enough that I'd yell at her.

Then, of course, I learned what it's like to have a two-year-old hit me and then laugh about it. And I learned what it's like to have a three-year-old wake me up every half hour, all night, because she's bored and lonely. And I learned how it feels when a preschooler a preschooler is still awake at one o'clock in the morning, and absolutely refuses to go to sleep. I learned what it's like to be that mom who yells at her kids.

The funny thing is that, while I know there are better ways to discipline a child, I no longer think of yelling as such a terrible thing. Here's why.

Yelling tells kids that you're serious. In my house, there are big no-nos and there are little no-nos. If my daughter gets out of bed when I tell her not to, she gets a gentle reprimand because it's a little no-no. If she runs out in to traffic, however, you can bet that I'll be yelling. Raising your voice lets kids know when a behavior is very serious. It lets them know that-- while you may be willing to look the other way when you see a minor misbehavior-- some situations warrant attention and immediate compliance.

Yelling lets your kids know that you have your bad days, too. It's very important, but unfortunately very uncommon, for kids to understand that their parents struggle with bad days, crankiness, and mood swings just like they do. Kids need to know that there are times when you lose your temper and say things that are highly emotional or even hurtful. When you yell at your kids, they get a little glimpse of the truth behind your rock-steady facade. They can see that parenting isn't easy, and that the weight is often a challenge to bear.

Yelling is an alternative to corporal punishment.

Some of the best parenting advice I ever received came from a friend, who told me, "Children need to be afraid of their parents." I don't want my child to cower every time I enter the room, but, at the end of the day, she does need to know that I have authority over her, and that I'm not afraid to use it. Many parents use corporal punishment, or the threat of it, to earn their kids' respectful fear, but I think yelling is-- in many ways-- far gentler and less hypocritical.

Yelling teaches empathy. Kids need to understand that their actions have consequences for themselves and for others. They need to know that misbehavior can trigger sadness, anger, and even outright rage when they push the wrong buttons. When parents yell at their kids, they send the signal that the child's behavior is very upsetting. This gives the child empathic incentive to change his behavior and make better decisions.

We make our mistakes.

I have never known a single person who has been a perfect parent 100% of the time. If yelling at your child is the worst and only mistake that you make on a regular basis, you are still faring far better than most other parents. As a mom who is guilty of occasional yelling, I still feel a need to give myself credit for being a stellar parent the majority of the time. We delightfully imperfect parents all owe ourselves a break when the going gets tough.