I'll be the first to admit that I'm not supermom. I have my bad days, just like all other moms -- and I have, on many on occasion, blurted unintentionally hurtful words toward my toddler. Try as I might, there are some days that "Just STOP IT!" and "Leave me ALONE!" slip from my lips. There are, however, several utterances that I think all parents should try to avoid saying to their toddlers. Here are a few of the most damaging (but unfortunately common) things I've heard said to young children.
1. Don't say, "You are such a ____!"
Whether it's brat, liar, pain-in-the-butt, or worse, there's never an excuse to call your toddler names. Your toddler is still new to life, and labels you give him now will stick with him psychologically for years to come. Call your kid a brat and she might just turn out to be one.
Instead, say, "You're acting like a ___."
While I won't call my toddler a brat, there are times that I'll let her know she's behaving like one. I think it's good for kids to know which behaviors are, and aren't, associated with certain labels. When you tell your child, "You're getting on my nerves [right now]," it sends an entirely different message than, "You are an annoyance to me [in general]."
2. Don't say, "Stop crying or I'll ____!"
Spank you? Put you in time out? Give you something to cry about? These threats rarely work. A toddler suffering from an anxious emotional outburst won't magically feel better when he gets a swat on the butt. The threat is more likely to worsen a tantrum than to dissolve it.
Instead, say, "I think you need a time-out."
Time-outs for toddlers aren't punishment. They give your child a chance to cool off while giving you the chance to collect your own emotions. If your toddler does manage to end his tantrum when he realizes that it's escalated to the time-out point, that's great -- but be sure to communicate the message that it is a consequence, not a punishment.
3. Don't say, "I'm proud of you for ____."
Sure, you might be excited that your toddler drew a stick figure, pooped in the potty, or strung together a five-word sentence. But you don't want to give your toddler the impression that your love and pride are conditional. If you're proud of your toddler, tell her so -- but let her know that it's because of who she is, not what she is capable of accomplishing.
Instead, say, "I feel so happy when _____."
Your toddler can and should know that some things she does are helpful and satisfying for you. Let her know how her actions affect you throughout the day. Let her know that you like her drawings, that you feel happy when she hugs you, and that you notice that she's obeyed you consistently all day.
4. Don't say, "Give a hug/kiss to _____."
Friends and family members look at me like I'm crazy when my daughter refuses to hug someone and I accept her decision. However, I think it's critical to teach toddlers the importance of respecting personal space. I wouldn't hug a stranger who demanded that I cuddle with him. Why should toddlers be expected to do so?
Instead, say, "I think ____ wants a hug/kiss."
Toddlers should know that it makes other people happy to give and receive signs of affection. But they should also know that a request for affection is just that -- a request. Let your child know that you appreciate it when she hugs her relatives, but that she always has a choice to say no.
5. Don't say, "Eat all of your food."
Given the epidemic of childhood obesity, even in toddlers, it's shocking that moms still try to force-feed their already-overweight kids. Forcing your kid to finish his ice cream will cause nothing but fat and rotten teeth, and forcing him to eat his broccoli will make him feel like veggies are a chore.
Instead, say, "Is that all you want?"
If your toddler tends to under-eat, make sure that she notices that there is still food on her plate before she wanders off to do something else. Do, however, let her know that she sees no dessert if she fails to eat her healthier foods.
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