How Toddlers Learn Self-Control

Young children are notorious for their lack of self-control. It's the reason that we can't trust our one-year-olds to eat just a bite or two of cake, and can't trust our three-year-olds not to run into the road to retrieve a straying ball. No toddler has the self-control of a grown-up, or even an older kid. Toddlers live completely in the moment, shifting rapidly between actions and emotions without grasping their potential consequences.

According to BabyCenter, toddlers develop self-control according to a fluid, but generally steady, calender. Here are some of the steps that your toddler take as he learns the fine art of self-control.

1. Self-control emerges after a toddler's first birthday. Some time between 12 and 18 months, a toddler starts to learn self-control. This tends to occur at the same time that he starts cooperating with his parents. For example, a twelve-month-old might "help" to dress himself by pushing his arm through a sleeve, and an eighteen-month-old might imitate housework so that she can "help" a parent clean up. At around the same time, toddlers start learning to obey simple requests and to follow commands like, "Don't touch," or "Stop that."

Keep your expectations of your tot realistic at this stage. No one-year-old can resist the urge to crunch down a bowl of M&Ms, even if you've told her not to do so. Don't, at any point, count on your toddler's self control when something really matters. Even a toddler how obeys most of the time doesn't have the self-control to avoid power outlets or to stay out of the pool. At this stage, your supervision is far more important than your rules for protecting your child.

2. Toddlers make huge improvements by age two. By around your toddler's second birthday, he'll start deliberately following rules and obeying orders, on a more consistent basis. You may be able to expect your toddler to resist temptation while you take a shower or leave him briefly unsupervised. By 24 months, most toddlers will avoid reaching for hot stoves or putting pennies in their mouths. Nevertheless, a toddler's self-control is still very much imperfect in this stage.

As your toddler masters self-control, you might see the beginnings of cooperative play. He will share his toys and food with you, or will another playmate, at least some of the time. He will probably resist the temptation to snatch a piece of candy from another child's hand. By the end of this stage, your toddler may even have enough self-control to begin potty-learning.

3. By two-and-a-half, toddlers' self-control is more adult-like. Between 24 and 30 months, your toddler will start responding to scolding and praise, and react appropriately to them. A two-and-a-half-year-old will avert his eyes when punished and choose not to engage in the shame-inducing activity again. He has a better understanding of rules and consequences, and may start deliberately doing good deeds with the expectation of praise and excitement from his parents.

This is usually the ideal stage in which a toddler masters potty-learning. He has the self-control, physically and mentally, to understand how and why he should use the toilet. For many toddlers, however, this milestone won't come for a few more months (or even a year or more). Remind your toddler of how his actions affect you, both positively and negative, and it will help to foster empathy and emotional development.