Help-- my toddler won't make eye contact!

It's completely normal for toddlers to not make eye contact on a frequent or ongoing basis. But, if you're concerned about your toddler's failure to make eye contact, here are a few things you may need to know.

It's probably not autism. Poor eye contact is a symptom of autism. However, it would be unreasonable to assume that every toddler who makes poor eye contact is autistic -- just as it would be unreasonable to assume that everyone with a headache has a brain tumor. If your toddler doesn't look you in the eye when he talks to you, he probably is not autistic. In almost all cases, autism in toddlers presents with many more symptoms than a simple inability to maintain lasting eye contact.

Understand that it's normal. The speech-language pathologist who evaluated (and later treated) my daughter explained that most children under the age of 3 will make scarce eye contact. They are far too focused on learning their surroundings to give a person undivided attention for an extended period of time. Toddlers don't have the social graces necessary for understanding the importance of eye contact. Nevertheless, a toddler who can not make eye contact at all -- who briefly glances at other people's eyes in the same way he might notice a pattern on wallpaper -- does need an evaluation.

Minimize distractions. If you need to have an eye-to-eye discussion with your toddler, minimize the visual and auditory distractions surrounding him. It's best to start doing this with simple conversations, not scolding or anger. Stoop down to his level and ask him "where are my eyes?" He will be able to look you in the eye more steadily as you speak to him if he's not in the middle of building a block-tower or watching a movie.

Talk about it. At around your child's third birthday, he'll probably be able to discuss and reason about manners. At this point, talk to your toddler and tell him that it's polite to look someone in the eye when you talk to them, especially when you're talking about something serious. You can remind him of this occasionally by saying, "Look at my eyes," when his gaze starts to wander around the room mid-conversation. Over time, he will develop the social and sensory skills necessary to communicate effectively and meaningfully with other people.

Get professional help. If your toddler still makes little or no eye contact nearing his third birthday, it might be a good idea to get a professional evaluation from a speech-language pathologist or early intervention pathologist. This is particularly true if your toddler struggles with eye contact along with speech, language, and comprehension issues; an evaluation is almost certainly in order. In this case, get in touch with his pediatrician for a referral. In the event that something is "wrong," catching it early can minimize or erase long-term symptoms.