Long before my daughter was born, I had already decided that I wanted to practice attachment parenting, which is a high-involvement, nonviolent form of parenting advocated by experts such as Dr. WIlliam Sears. Attachment parenting, by default, involves co-sleeping--the practice of allowing babies to sleep in the same beds as their mothers. But neither Dr. Sears nor his millions of followers seemed to offer a definitive answer to the important question: When should it end?
Like solid foods, weaning, and potty learning, sleeping alone is a milestone that parents and children work toward on their own unique timelines. The age at which your child starts sleeping alone will depend entirely on your own family dynamic and what will work best for everyone involved. Here are some factors to consider when you begin determining the best age to stop co-sleeping.
1. How do you and your child sleep best? If you, your baby, and your spouse all sleep better when the baby is alone in her crib, there is no reason to co-sleep. Many babies are naturally less cuddly than others; they sleep better when given their own space. Plenty of moms and dads also struggle to sleep with a young child nearby. If this is the case, you should stop co-sleeping now to ensure that everyone's needs are met. However, if you and your 2-year-old still can't sleep comfortably alone, it's in everyone's best interest to continue co-sleeping for the time being.
2. Are you still breastfeeding? In my experience, independent sleeping was much easier once my daughter weaned herself. If your child still nurses several times per night, and it's not yet realistic to cut the night-nursing habit, it might be best to wait a few more weeks or months. The attachment parenting moms I know all reported that their kids slept comfortably alone shortly after they stopped nursing to sleep. This is consistent with my own experience, but, like everything else, it may vary from family to family.
3. Is co-sleeping hurting your marriage or family? It can certainly stress a marriage if a child co-sleeps for a very long period of time. A co-sleeping child can put a damper on intimacy and may make it harder for your spouse or partner to sleep at night. If your significant other has expressed dissatisfaction with co-sleeping, and if you aren't able to find other ways to resolve these issues, it may be time to stop co-sleeping.
4. Does your child need extra reassurance right now? It's not a good idea to cease co-sleeping during a family crisis, a serious illness, a divorce, or a move. During situations like these, babies, toddlers, and even preschoolers need extra reassurance. Consider waiting a few months before introducing your child to her own bed if your family is in the midst of a major crisis or change. You are more likely to meet with success if you approach co-sleeping during a more stable time. If necessary, wait another month or two before you stop co-sleeping.
5. Is there another baby on the way? If you're expecting another baby and plan to co-sleep, it's important to stop co-sleeping with your toddler or preschooler as soon as possible. Dr. Searsreports that, while it's rare for a parent to roll over on a newborn, toddlers and preschoolers can not safely sleep with their infant siblings. Your older child may roll over on the baby, leading to serious injury or even death. Start transitioning your big kid to his own bed as soon as you learn that another is on the way.
6. Has co-sleeping gotten annoying, uncomfortable, or simply unrealistic? Even without another "good" reason, it's time to stop co-sleeping as soon as it's no longer working out for you and your child. When you begin feeling over-crowded, under-rested, or physically uncomfortable sharing a bed with your child, it's probably time to stop co-sleeping. Even the most dedicated, cuddly mamas will eventually grow tired of awakening to the kicks and elbows of grouchy toddlers. For my little family, it worked best to stop co-sleeping a few months before my daughter turned 3. For others, that time may come much sooner or later.
If your child has significant sleep problems or you have any questions about health, don't hesitate to contact her pediatrician for care and parenting tips.
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