"I don't love you! I need a hug!"
I've heard this from my 3-year-old daughter at least five times this week. Preschoolers and toddlers are a mess of conflicting emotions, and their inability to communicate effectively makes it hard for them to explain their feelings when upset. For this reason, it's not at all uncommon for toddlers and preschoolers to tell their parents, "I don't love you!" or even "I hate you!"
As much as this may hurt, it's important to keep this common behavior in perspective. Here are some ways that parents might handle a toddler who says "I hate you!"
1. Remember that it's a communication problem. Your toddler doesn't hate you. You know this and, on some level, she knows this. But a toddler's simple vocabulary can't easily discern the difference between hating someone and simply feeling angry in another person's presence. To my 3-year-old, "love" is an action verb -- it means to show affection and to express happiness. When she says, "I don't love you," she means, "I don't feel loving toward you right now." This is, of course, followed by a hug and a tearful apology. Remember that your toddler's outbursts are the result of budding communication skills, not genuine emotions.
2. Bear in mind that she's struggling to manage strong emotions. In "Peter Pan," J.M. Barrie stated that fairies are "not all good" but "not all bad." They're so small that they only have room for one emotion at a time. Toddlers are much the same way; they fly dramatically between intense love and heated anger in just a few moments. You can't realistically expect your toddler's emotions to be stable or even-keel at all times. Screams of "I hate you!" are serious when they come from a 9-year-old, but they are a fairly normal part of a toddler's development.
3. Look at her influences. Although my toddler has said "I don't love you!" more times than I can possibly count, she has never said that she hates me. The reason? She's never heard the word "hate." My daughter uses impressively advanced words for her age, but "hate" isn't a concept she's ever been exposed to. If your toddler is using the word routinely, you might want to look at the influences that led her to using this word. Did she hear it from the media? A friend? A relative? If someone (or something) is routinely exposing your child to hate, you may need to nip the influence.
4. Help her articulate. You can help your toddler find more effective ways to communicate her strong emotions. Try to look at what's upsetting her, then demonstrate a better way to express the frustration. If she screams, "I hate you!" when you tell her that she can't have chocolate cake until after dinner, you might respond by saying, "I don't always like waiting for dessert, either, but I know it's what's best for me. Now, do you want cheese on top of your pasta, or on the side?" By helping her realize what's actually going on, both of you become more capable of managing communication problems.
5. Get professional help if it's extreme. It's perfectly normal for your toddler or preschooler to periodically say that she hates you. It's not normal for her to display only hatred toward you (or anyone else). If your toddler frequently says that she hates you, and never demonstrates any signs of affection or joy, there may be a serious underlying problem to blame. She could be suffering from chronic pain, or another adult is abusing her, or she has a neurological or developmental disorder. If your toddler seems to be extremely aggressive, schedule a chat with his pediatrician to rule out an underlying disruption.
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