"Kids are made to be spoiled," insists my 80-year-old grandmother. She then, without hesitation, offers my 3-year-old a plateful of cake for dinner. The word "no" will absolutely never slip out of my grandmother's mouth--she is willing to let my daughter lie, hit, scream and make messes without any consequences. Although I love my grandmother dearly, I feel frustrated when I see how bafflingly willing she is to give into my daughter's every whim--and my experiences aren't unique.
When I've talked to my other friends with children, I have heard many similar complaints about grandparents and great-grandparents who spoil kids rotten. Every time the kids leave Grandma's house, they come back acting bratty and undisciplined. If your family is facing a similar situation, you might try exploring these tips. They have helped me handle my kid-spoiling grandparent.
1. Lighten up--a little. No, I don't mean that you should completely give in to your kids' grandparents' desire to spoil them rotten. But it could be to everyone's advantage to allow a little leeway when Grandma and Grandpa are involved. If your 4-year-old gets a few extra presents or your 2-year-old gets to drink from a bottle over the weekend, it won't ultimately have a huge impact on your parenting. So, for the sake of preserving peace and your own sanity, give in to Grandma's spoiling to a certain degree.
2. Make it clear that you are the final authority. This is something that you need to discuss with both your child and her grandparents. As appealing as it may seem (to your child) to view Grandma as the one and only authority, it's important to make it clear that you are the one who makes the final decision about how you raise your child. That means that, if you have a non-negotiable rule about PG-13 movies, video games, or specific junk foods, you are the final authority about any exceptions.
3. Let your kids know that it's because you care. It's far too easy to look like the bad guy when you're enforcing rules that your kids' other caregivers don't enforce. To prevent resentment and to enable better behavior, make it clear to your kids that your comparative strictness is the result of love and compassion. You might explain, for example, "I love you and I care about your health. That's why I don't let you eat candy every day. Grandma lets you do that when you're with her because you aren't there all the time. If I let you eat candy as much as grandma did, you could end up with diabetes or very bad cavities." By clarifying that your rules are the result of compassion, not cruelty, you're more likely to see a positive response from your children.
4. Talk about spoiling. You may need to have a heart-to-heart with your child about commercialism and its impact. Explain that some children have so many things that they forget what's really important--love and compassion. Explain that there are many children who don't have grandparents who buy them nice things, and that your child is very lucky to own so many toys, books and clothes. You might end this conversation by suggesting that your child collect 10 of his unnecessary toys to donate them to charity.
5. As a last resort, lay down the law and sever private contact with your kids. If your kids' grandparents continue to allow them to break specific no-exception rules, you may have the make the very difficult decision to stop allowing your children to visit them unsupervised. My grandmother continued to excuse my daughter hitting people, saying that she was "just a baby" and "doesn't know better," and refusing to put her in time out. Instead, she would laugh about it. Eventually, I had to make the decision that my daughter could not play with her great-grandmother unless I were in the room to supervise their interactions.
Harsh as it may sound, I simply reached the point that I couldn't trust her to back up my parenting. If your child's grandparents or great-grandparents absolutely refuse to respect your parental authority, you may need to make the same choice.
No comments:
Post a Comment