Parenting a Tomboy

I have always identified myself as a feminist, and I've always tried to defy gender stereotypes. Because of my background in gender egalitarianism, I was surprised by how uncomfortable I felt when my preschool-age daughter began requesting only "boyish" toys and clothing. She tossed baby-dolls on the floor, but gladly cuddled Thomas the Tank Engine to sleep. She wanted to watch Pixar's "Cars," not "Fern Gully."

I was (and am) fully accepting of my little tomboy, but I was surprised by how much I had to re-think the way I parented her. Here are a few simple parenting tips from the mom of a happy, healthy tomboy.

1. Look at yourself. I had to ask myself the reasons for my discomfort with my daughter's boyish interests. I realized that part of my discomfort was based in a fear that I had "made" her that way by choosing not to introduce her to princess movies and Barbies. I also realized that I was feeling discomfort on another end-- because I was never interested in trains or cars, I felt somewhat surprised and out-of-place when I recognized that I couldn't relate to her preferences. My advice: if you're uncomfortable with your daughter's tomboy nature, take a look at yourself. Determine where your discomfort comes from, and then you can work to address it with the right frame of mind.

2. Accept her for who she is. Your job as your child's parent isn't to make a carbon-copy of yourself. Nor is it to make her someone who will blend perfectly into a conformist culture. Instead, it is to enable your child to become the best person that she can be. This means accepting that her interests, abilities, and preferences may be very different from your own-- and from what our culture tells her is "normal" for a girl. Don't try to make your tomboy into a girly-girl. Accept her the way she is.

3. Teach her pride. Don't just tolerate your daughter's boyish nature-- embrace and support it, too. I was glad to buy my daughter a train set and a collection of toy cars for Christmas-- and I know I wouldn't have seen a smile like that if Santa brought her a bunch of dolls and frilly clothes. Let your daughter know that you're proud that she's different. If she wants to wear boyish clothes, tell her that she looks cute in them. If she wants to go by "Jo" instead of "Joanna" or "Alex" instead of "Alexis," run with it. Let your daughter know that it's okay to be different from gender-based norms. By taking pride in her identity early in life, she will have a sense of self-esteem that will stick around well into her adulthood.

4. Don't compare. In general, it's not a good idea to compare your daughter to other girls for any reason. Whether it's appearance, interests, intelligence or behavior, your child doesn't deserve to be held to a conventional standard. Refrain from asking questions like, "Why don't you wear dresses like Mandy?" or "Don't you want to be a ballerina?"-- especially in a tone that is critical or accusatory. By comparing your tomboy to other children, you give her the message that you are dissatisfied with her as a person.

5. Don't limit her to "boyish" interests. While your daughter may be a tomboy, that doesn't mean that she can't enjoy girlish things, too. It's quite possible to facilitate your tomboy's broad, individual interests without labeling her or boxing her into a specific pigeon-hole. My tomboy daughter loves fairies and rabbits almost as much as she adores cars and trains. Even if your daughter seems to fit a specific label, it's never a good idea to limit her interests based on stereotypes. A girly-girl may like cars, and a tomboy may like flowers. As a parent, I try to avoid limiting my child's interests based on any labels or assumptions-- be it a "girl" label, a "tomboy" label, or otherwise.