My three-year-old daughter says the darndest things. She is the mistress of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, often in ways that fall somewhere between humiliating and amusing. She brings up the Flying Spaghetti Monster at religious services. She tells androgynous women that they "look kind of like a man." She refers to a friend as an "adorable ginger kid." At a barbeque, she asks why people are putting meat on their veggie burgers.
Of course, she always chooses the most remarkably awkward times to bring up these often-sensitive topics. I'm sure that more than one person has passed a harsh and critical judgment about my parenting, but what can I do? Most often, I just fall back on that old adage: "Kids say the darndest things." Here are a few other tips for handling a chatty kiddo who says the darndest things a little too often.
Enjoy it. There will only be a few years of your life when you'll get to hear amusing little snippets of information and observation from your tot. The "darndest things" phase is actually very short-lived, and I guarantee that you'll find yourself missing it some day in the future. For now, take the time to enjoy it. Jot the kiddo-speak down in a notebook so you can bring it up again in front of your son-in-law one day. These moments will pass by far too fast. Enjoy them while they laugh.
Teach manners. When your three-year-old suddenly blurts out that someone is fat or looks like the opposite gender, this is a good time to teach manners about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Quickly apologize to the offended person, saying something like, "I am so sorry-- this kid really does say the darndest things." Then take a time-out from whatever else you're doing and stoop to your child's eye-level. Say something like, "That was a very rude thing to say. We do not talk about people's weight or appearance, especially not in front of them. It can hurt their feelings." Later, reiterate that your child should wait until you are in private to ask sensitive questions.
Answer sensitive questions in private. Your child's natural curiosity is a wonderful thing, but she has to know how to harness it. Explain to your child that, if she sees someone who looks "weird" and has a question about it, she can ask about it when the two of you are somewhere more private. By the time your child is school-age, she should know not to call attention to these things in public, but she should know that she can come to you with sincere questions about topics that might be embarrassing. It's normal for a four-year-old to be curious about someone with an obvious deformity or disability, but it's best to stop her from insensitively bringing attention to these problems in front of the other person.
Do give answers. It's not fair to your child if you ignore sincere questions. Don't let your amusement stop you from giving your kid the answers she deserves, even if you have to restrain your laughter momentarily. A week after attending a lesbian wedding, my daughter asked in public if boys and girls are allowed to marry each other, or if "only two girls can do that." I made a point of answering her honestly instead of just laughing it off. I turned to the people around us and chuckled, "My child inhabits the nightmares of homophobes." Then I gave her a complete explanation of what marriage is. When your child has a question, no matter how funny or awkward it is, she deserves a response.
Censor yourself. I've had to learn over time that my daughter listens far more often than she seems to. Often, she'll seem to be asleep in my lap or absorbed in a game while I have a grown-up conversation with a friend. It's never until weeks later-- when I suddenly hear her referring to my friends by their nicknames and parrotting political discussions-- that I realize how closely she's listening. For this reason, I've had to completely leave the house whenever I'm having a conversation I don't want to hear repeated. All parents need to have those grown-up discussions from time to time. But, unless you're comfortable with your toddler making "That's what she said" jokes or your preschooler discussing your white Russian recipe, it's best to save these conversations for when little ears are far out of range.
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