I was bullied frequently as a child, so the idea of my kid turning into a bully terrifies me. Now 3 years old, and uninterested in any of the detailed points of socialization, bullying hasn't even occurred to my daughter. It's not just unfamiliar to her; it's inconceivable. I hope and pray that she'll remain unbullied, and an un-bullier, for the duration of her childhood.
I don't have all the answers in the world, and I haven't yet had to address the serious problem of a child who bullies his playmates. But I have seen several techniques that seem to work for other mothers to prevent their kids from bullying peers. Here are a few techniques that might help to prevent your child from engaging in bullying behavior.
1. Be serious about bullying. Along with hitting, bullying is one of the only behaviors that I have an absolute zero-tolerance policy for. If I ever catch my daughter engaging in bullying, I'm not going to just make a side comment to the effect of, "That's not nice." Bullying would warrant a very long, serious discussion and the revocation of privileges. It's not a behavior that I would simply turn the other cheek toward. Make sure that your kids know that bullying is completely unacceptable under all circumstances. Talk about it early and talk about it often. Your kids need to know how absolutely intolerable it is as a behavior.
2. Keep an open conversation. Make sure that your child understands that she can talk to you about bullying any time that she experiences it, or that she has engaged in it. If she comes home and admits that she said something cruel to a classmate, talk about ways that she could have amended the situation -- and ways that she can apologize for her actions. Similarly, if she tells you that kids have been aggressive toward her, figure out ways that she can handle the situation without stooping to the same level as her peers. It's important to let your kids know that bullying hurts and needs to be prevented.
3. Set an example. Your child is less likely to bully his peers if he sees you treating others with respect. Don't bad-mouth your friends or family members, to their faces or behind their backs -- especially not in front of your kid. Don't make snide comments if you see encounter an unattractive or mentally slow stranger. Don't remark negatively on the behavior, appearance or parenting practices of people you randomly encounter. By setting an example of kindness and compassion, you reduce the odds that your child will engage in hurtful behaviors.
4. Stay involved in your child's life. Do you know the names of your child's friends? What about her enemies? Do you know what's going on at school? Who's picking on whom, who's "dating" whom, and who is having trouble at home? These details may seem like unnecessary or frivolous facts regarding your child's life, but it's important that you stay involved. If she can talk to you about kids she knows who are struggling or misbehaving, you can work with her to find bullying-free ways to handle these social struggles.
5. Teach love. Explain the importance of treating "different" kids with respect and compassion. If your child has a classmate who wears cheap or torn clothes to school, maybe you can explain that you used to wear cheap clothes, too. If the child is a bullying victim, you might suggest that you and your child buy the child a nice shirt for an upcoming birthday, left in a locker by a "secret admirer." If your child has a classmate who is bullied for "gay" or gender-atypical behavior, this is a good time to talk about the importance of accepting the entire spectrum of gender and sexuality.
Love and acceptance are important values to teach your child -- not only so that he will treat others with respect, but also so that he knows that you accept him unconditionally. Your child's own security is key in preventing him from engaging in bullying.
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