How Toddlers Develop Independence

Independence is one of the many toddler milestones that varies tremendously in the time and stage at which it evolves. While my friends and relatives have toddlers who were very independent of their parents by the time they reached one year of age, my own toddler wasn't fully confident playing independently of me until nearly her third birthday.

There is no right or wrong answer to when a toddler should become independent of his parents. Like so many other phases in a child's development, independence develops on a timeline unique to the child's natural temperament and his family dynamic. Here is a basic timeline, based on guidelines offered byBabyCenter, that generally describes the way toddlers develop independence.

1. Pre-independence milestones emerge at one year of age. Sometime between your toddler's first birthday and the time he reaches 18 months of age, he starts to learn a few of the basic tenets associated with independence. By one year, he recognizes that he is a separate person than his parents, and understands the basic concept of object permanence. This means that he knows that the actions of his parents do not depend upon his choices, and that people still continue to exist even when they are out of sight. These milestones help to provide precursors to true independence.

2. Toddlers become truly self-aware between 19 and 24 months of age. Some time in the later half of your toddler's second year, he will gain a comprehensive understanding of himself as an independent individual. He understands that he controls his own body and can use it to manipulate his environment. During this stage, his newfound sense of self-awareness will cause a peak in his sense of separation anxiety. He is likely to panic any time that a familiar caregiver leaves him in the hands of someone less familiar. Although this can be a difficult stage, remember that this, too, shall pass. These anxieties are a normal part of his development.

3. The struggle for independence begins at age two. The reason for the "terrible twos" is largely because toddlers at this age begin to struggle for independence. In their minds, they desperately want to be independent, but they are not yet emotionally or mentally prepared for much solitary play. They may still be prone to anxiety when their parents are absent. In the first half-year after your toddler's second birthday, she's likely to deliberately disobey you as she struggles to gain control of her actions. At the same time, though, she may panic if left alone in time-out.

4. Toddlers gain independence by age three. Around the time of your toddler's third birthday, separation anxiety is likely to vanish. Now fully aware that you will always return and that she is reasonably safe when alone for a few moments, she feels confident when you aren't directly within her line of sight. She is likely to behave better and be less likely to misbehave, because she'll have a better understanding of rules and consequences. Now that the "terrible twos" have ended, she feels and behaves more like a child and less like a toddler.

5. Get in touch with an expert if you're concerned. Some toddlers are simply hard-wired to be high-strung and clingy. My own little velcro-kid took months longer than average to overcome separation anxiety, but she ultimately reached this milestone within the normal frame of time. However, any time that you're concerned about your toddler's development, it can't hurt to chat with a pediatrician or another child development expert. Specialized tips and attention can improve your toddler's ability to function independently from you.