Help! My Preschooler Has False Memories!

"Mama, do you remember the time you left me here all by myself?" asked my four-year-old daughter. I explained to her that she'd never, ever been left home alone, but she insisted that it happened. She described a very specific memory of being a baby, getting out of her crib, and crying herself to sleep on the red couch while she waited for me to come home. Not only did these things never happen, but they were completely impossible: my daughter coslept and never had a crib, and we've only had the red couch for a year.

My daughter, as it turns out, was demonstrating the presence of a false memory-- a common phenomenon that affects most children at some point in life. A false memory occurs when the mind is unable to differentiate an actual event from a story, a dream, or a suggestion. They are by far most common in preschool-age children, who are verbal enough to express their memories but still unable to reliably distinguish between fact and fiction.

Psychologists have spent a considerable amount of time studying false memories in preschoolers, who will frequently develop detailed memories of events that never happened. We have almost all witnessed a few instances of preschoolers displaying false memory. I recall one time when my sister, then only four years old, announced after a religious lesson, "I remember when we were slaves in Babylon. It was really bad."

The same phenomenon leads children to accept false memories when they are described by an expert. In one study, psychologists described two memories that were true and two memories that were fabricated to children ages 5-12 years old, and told them that the events took place "when you were four." A startling 46% of kids studied said that they clearly remembered the false events.

Even adults are susceptible to false memories, especially when those false memories are set in the person's preschool years. One study found that 25% of people will have clear memories of an past event that never happened if the memory is suggested to them. After being told a false, detailed story about getting lost in a shopping mall as a preschooler, one in four adults said that they clearly remembered the event. Even a well-rounded, mentally healthy adult can have memories of events that never occurred.

So what's a parent to do when a preschooler expresses a false memory? The first thing to do is relax. It isn't a sign of a mental health problem or a sign that your child is unhappy. Next, explain that the memory is false. I told my daughter, "I know you remember that happening, but it didn't happen. You might have dreamed about it or you might be confused. Little kids' brains don't always remember things the right way, and I promise you that I never left you at home alone and that I won't leave you home alone until you're a very big girl."

Beyond that, there isn't much that you can or should do about a preschooler exhibiting signs of false memories. Over time, these memories will become both less common and less detailed, and your child will almost certainly develop the same capacity for understanding reality as her peers. If your child seems to have excessive or extreme false memories, mention it to her pediatrician at your next appointment. However, this fluke in preschoolers' mental development is quite normal and does not ultimately need specialized attention.