My daughter was always spirited, but ultimately compassionate. Although she was prone to outbursts and anxiety throughout the entirety of her toddler years, I was stunned when she started exhibiting a new, scary behavior-- constant hitting. For about two weeks, she began striking me almost every time she wanted something or was feeling frustrated.
Until then, I had honestly believed-- based on the often-inaccurate advice of published parenting gurus-- that children who were well-parented never exhibited this behavior. I didn't spank, my daughter had never witnessed adults physically fighting, and she didn't have any peers who modeled the behavior. Nevertheless, she started displaying all the aggression that I expected of those "other" kids, but not my own child.
I can't say that there was any one solution that helped us overcome the behavior, but several educators and experienced parents gave me good tips for helping my toddler understand how inappropriate hitting is. Here are a few guidelines that worked for us.
1. Don't hit back. Yes, I know how tempting it is to hit back when someone strikes you-- whether that person is a child or an adult. However, as the parent, it's your job to be the more mature person and to demonstrate the importance of not hitting back. By striking your child in retaliation for spanking, you teach him that it's okay to use physical force to dominate weaker people. This isn't a positive lesson for children of any age, and especially not a slap-happy toddler. You aren't a bad parent if you've spanked your child, but there are better ways to resolve your toddler's hitting behavior.
2. Be the boss. "Don't hit back," doesn't mean that you should just sit there and accept your child's attacks. Your child should understand that you are in control and that you are the authority figure. When my daughter has hit me, I have squeezed her wrists or held her firmly to get her attention and to demonstrate my strength. It's quite possible to demonstrate your power and authority without the use of violence.
3. Talk it out. This is both the most labor-intensive and important step behind stopping a toddler from hitting you. Depending on his age and level of speech development, he may or may not be able to discuss it with you. Nevertheless, it is critical that you at least try to communicate with your child about his behavior as well as yours. The line that works well for my toddler's developmental level is this, "I love you. I want you to be a good person. Good people do not hit other people; they talk about how they feel. Why did you hit me? Did that make things better? How can we solve this?"
4. Meet her needs. Your toddler is less likely to it you if you are able to maintain a consistently warm, loving, attentive and peaceful relationship with her. I noticed that my daughter's hitting stage coincided with both a mild illness (for her) and several sudden work deadlines (for me). The behavior improved when she was able to have her emotional needs met on a more consistent basis. If needed, take a day to enjoy your toddler's company with few or no other distractions. You may be pleasantly surprised if she stops hitting soon after.
5. Impose consequences consistently. My daughter once hit me while we were in line at a cafe. It would have been easiest to simply ignore this, but I knew that I had to be consistent with my discipline technique. Ignoring the judgmental stares of other customers, I put my toddler in time-out for sixty seconds in a bathroom stall. Although you may need to occasionally improvise your technique, it's not a good idea to excuse or ignore your toddler's behavior because of special circumstances.
7. Be emotional. Many parenting books advise you to keep a poker-face during every discipline step with your child. I absolutely disagree with this notion. For my family, discipline works best when I am completely honest with myself about my own feelings. "It's not okay to hit," may not get the message across to your toddler who has hit you, but seeing you burst into tears just might. I was surprised by how genuinely alarmed my daughter looked when I started crying after she hit me. Sometimes it takes a recognizable visual cue to understand that hitting really does hurt other people.
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