A few weeks ago, a well-meaning friend emailed me to say that he was going to have a talk with his 6-year-old daughter-- who has a lesbian mother-- about homosexuality. He asked me how, and if, I'd brought up the subject with my own 3-year-old. The fact is, though, that I've never talked to my daughter about homosexuality, and I don't intend to have a talk about it any time soon. Here's why.
1. My daughter has no concept of heteronormativity. Many of my closest friends are gay or bi, and I'm not shy about introducing "my friend John, and John's husband Mark." I have been in relationships with women, and I haven't sheltered my daughter from my own "bent" orientation. After attending her first wedding at age 3 -- which, incidentally, was between two women -- she actually asked me if boys are allowed to have weddings, or if it's something only girls can do. Of course, I've explained at this point that most married couples are in fact of mixed genders but ultimately, I have no need to talk to my daughter about homosexuality, because she's always known that it exists.
2. I don't want to confuse her.
If I sat my daughter down and explained that there are men who love men and women who love women, she would only feel confused. The statement would be like saying, "There are people with blue eyes and people with brown eyes." To state something so patently obvious -- as if it is remarkable and strange -- would actually confuse my daughter far more than it would educate her. My daughter has no concept of love as something that must be gender-specific, and I see no need to introduce a wrong-headed idea.
3. I want her to be innocent a while longer.
My baby's already growing up way too fast, and I don't want to rob her of her innocence prematurely. At 3, she has no idea that relationships involve sexual attraction, and has no idea what sexual attraction is. She also has absolutely no idea that queer people are victims of discrimination and hate crime. I feel no need to introduce her to such mature, grown-up, and potentially upsetting concepts so early in life. She'll hear plenty of it later on. For now, it's perfectly sufficient for her to know that people, in general, fall in love with one another.
4. I think it's more important to show acceptance than to simply talk about it. In general, I think that actions speak louder than words. I've never talked to my daughter about racism, or about the fact that everyone is equal. She knows that people of different skin-colors can be friends or family, because she sees firsthand evidence that I value everyone equally, with no regard for skin color. In the same way, my daughter knows that there are gay couples in the world and knows that my gay friends are just as important to me as my friends who happen to be straight. This communicates respect far more than some sit-down conversation about what homosexuality is or why there's nothing wrong with it.
Although we still have a long way to go in support of queer rights, my daughter is actually very lucky to have been born in 2008. By the time she is an adult, gay relationships are likely to be almost-universally accepted among all but the oldest members of our society, and gay marriage may finally be legal throughout the U.S. I don't feel a need to talk to my daughter about homosexuality, because her generation just may not need to hear about it in order to accept it.
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