I should have learned my lesson a long time ago: it’s not a good idea to watch the news within earshot of my six-year-old daughter, because it’s not unlikely that she’ll overhear—and internalize—what she’s heard. I thought my daughter was tuning out the news when it aired the story of Robert Robinson, an autistic murder victim whose mother killed him, and then herself. It’s a story that has appeared in the news dozens of times now, with a new case arising monthly. Alex Spourdalakis. Issy Stapleton. Daniel Corby. George Hodgins. Benjamin Barnhard. The list goes on and on and on. Is it any wonder that special-needs children might hear these stories and react with alarm?
As I was getting my kiddo ready for school the next day, she kept looking at me in a way that broke my heart. She looked scared and sad and confused, and seemed to be studying me. I didn’t make the connection to the news story until she suddenly choked out, “Why would a mommy kill a kid with autism? Why would someone do that?” She was shaking when she asked it. I couldn’t imagine how scary a story like that must sound to our children. They turn to us for safety and reassurance and confidence. How must it feel, for them to hear the media talking about parents, who sound so much like us, committing such atrocities against children, who sound so much like them?
While I can’t say that I handled the situation perfectly—I’m not a perfect parent and never will be—I believe I did a good job discussing this deeply sensitive and scary topic with my daughter. Here are my tips for discussing autistic murder victims with your own autistic child.
Reassure them, first and foremost, that it won’t happen to them.
Autistic people on the whole tend to have a knack for pattern recognition. It’s an awesome gift, but in times like this, it’s also a source of anxiety. When the news spouts an almost monthly update about a murder-suicide involving a special-needs child, it’s only natural for an observant kid in the same boat to wonder, “Could that happen to me?” Almost every news story about the murder of an autistic child includes some degree of praise of the mother’s parenting skills. The claim is always that she was an amazing parent who loved her children, or, at the very least, it seemed that way—so how can a child know for sure that there’s a big difference between his parents and the parents who hurt their own children?
In times like this, I think it’s important for parents to take the time to make a promise to their kids. We may think that it doesn’t need to be said—we may think that our kids would never, ever fear us—but as my daughter’s worried face showed that morning, the anxiety of “Could it happen to me?” can be present even in children who are loved and well-cared-for. Reassure your child that, no matter how hard things get and no matter what life throws at our family, you will never, ever harm him. For extra reassurance, you might also explain what you would do instead—for example, “If I was ever so upset that I thought I couldn’t take care of you anymore, I would ask your aunt to come and help me for a few days, or I would call a doctor and say that I had depression and needed help. I would never, ever hurt you.” The reassurance of their own safety is the most important thing that autistic children can hear when disturbing stories pop up in the news.
Explain, but don’t excuse, the stories of autistic murder victims.
It’s impossible to deny that special-needs children are being killed at a much higher rate than their typical peers, but it’s irresponsible to imply that autism itself is the reason for these tragedies. When discussing this situation with your autistic child, make it clear that there are several factors that make problems like this more common among special-needs families. For example, as I explained it to my daughter, “brain problems” run in families, and we know that moms who have depression are more likely to have kids with autism. I also explained that parenting, no matter how normal or abnormal a child is, is a very difficult job, especially if you have a child who needs a lot of help or a lot of attention compared to average. Finally, you’ll want to mention that we need more services to help parents who are very stressed and are afraid that they might hurt their children.
However, when you bring up these explanations, it’s important to make it clear that you’re in no way excusing the actions of the parent or saying that the autistic murder victim deserved what happened. Don’t present these stories as the mother “having no way out”—there are always alternatives to hurting yourself or your children—or as a child being too difficult for his parents to handle. Your child is listening closely and you don’t want to give them any indication that they have reason to consider themselves inherently flawed or burdensome, or to think that they could in any way be at risk.
Be careful about comparing ability levels.
I had to stop myself from explaining to my daughter that she is very, very different than most of the autistic victims of murder who end up in the news. My instinct was to explain that Robert Robinson was nonverbal and still needed his parents’ constant care even though he was an adult, and to explain that my stresses as a mother will likely never be as serious as those of the parents of most autistic murder victims. But I caught myself before I said that. It’s not uncommon for autistic children to experience developmental regression, and it can sometimes be severe in its impact. A verbal, independent child may suddenly developmentally backtrack to toddlerhood and need lifelong care. Even for neurotypical children, there is always some risk that an accident or serious illness could lead to life-long profound disability. I didn’t want to imply to my daughter that her relative ability (compared to average autistic murder victims) is the reason I would never hurt her. The reason I would never hurt her is because she’s my child.
The most important thing to emphasize to your child about the pandemic of autistic murder victims is that none of these victims deserve what happened to them. Your child needs to know that people with autism are not inherently broken, nor are they an unbearable burden that their parents cannot tolerate. While it’s not a bad idea to note that parenting autistic children is a challenge, your children need to understand that they are not to blame for that challenge, and that they will never be victims at the hands of the people they trust. The world today might be a very scary place for children seeing such unsettling news on TV, but, as parents, we can and will provide the reassurance they need to feel safe, confident, and whole.
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