I remember gazing into my daughter's starry, glassy eyes when she was just a few hours old, knowing that I already loved her more than life itself. I couldn't help but wonder, though: when would she be able to love me back? Motherhood is not just about giving love, but also receiving it as we nurture our children to become happy, fulfilled individuals. A parent's love for a child may come instantly, but a child's love for a parent takes longer to self-actualize. If you're wondering when your baby will be able to love you, here are some points to consider.
1. Your baby will be attached to you almost immediately.
By one month of age, most babies will already have a sense of attachment to their primary caregivers-- perhaps feeling soothed by the sound of a mother's heartbeat or the warm arms of a grandparent. By three months, they may begin to recognize close family members and feel comforted by the voices, faces and arms of the people who care for them. Although this isn't love as we know it, it is an early precursor to affection and connection.
2. Older babies begin to feel something close to "real" love.
By age one, your baby is likely to show many signs of love as he develops a sense of personhood. He will likely give hugs and kisses and may feel sad or hurt when you get angry. Because of his highly developed attachment to you, your baby may show signs of separation anxiety starting some time between six and eighteen months of age. Emerging feelings of empathy and compassion also help him to develop the complex set of feelings we call "love."
3. Toddlers can feel and express love more completely.
Between two and three years of age, your toddler is likely to begin saying, "I love you," or something similar. He is beginning to develop a much stronger sense of empathy, which is a key component of love. Toddlers, for the most part, are selfish, but they still want their parents to be happy and they still crave their parents' approval. This is fundamentally very similar to love, but it won't be fully developed for a few more years.
4. Preschool-age children can truly love.
It wasn't until my daughter was three or four that I believed that she actually loved me with the same depth that I love her. By preschool, children have a stronger sense of empathy, and feelings like love, compassion, and admiration are stronger and less conditional. At four, my daughter now knows that she loves me even when she's angry-- and, to me, that's part of what real love is.
5. Your kids may not completely "get" you until the teen years or later. To love a parent as a peer, a child has to understand that his parents are not perfect. This means understanding that they make mistakes, that they say the wrong thing sometimes, and that they sometimes do things they regret. The realization that one's parents are imperfect is part of the actualization of genuine, deep feelings of love and respect. It may be years before you reach this point with your child, but it will, eventually, come.
A parent's love for a child forms instantly, but a child's love for a parent takes months, years, and even decades to fully develop. As you guide your baby into his life as a self-sufficient person, you help him learn to love you with all the same depth and devotion you feel for him.
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