After returning to our apartment after a trip to visit family, my 3-year-old daughter burst into an episode of near-hysteria. "My unicorns!" she pleaded, "We left them at Paw-Paw's house! We have to go back to get them, pleeeeeaaaassse!"
She was referring to her herd of unicorns, which are (paradoxically) both invisible and multicolored. The blue, pink, white, and purple unicorns have been an ever-present part of our household for days.
To parents, imaginary friends can range from annoying to disturbing, but they are ultimately a normal part of a child's development. In fact, Boy's Town reports that two-thirds of children have an imaginary friend by seven years of age. Here are some mom-tested tips for dealing with these invisible household members.
Play along-- to a degree. When it doesn't cause undue stress, play along with your child's imaginary friend. Imaginary friends are a part of your child's emotional and creative development, and they should be encouraged in their imaginative make-believe play. It does no harm to set an extra dish out for my daughter's unicorns, or to go to the car to discover that they'd been hiding in the trunk all along. However, boundaries are necessary. It would, of course, be ridiculous to turn a car around to retrieve invisible equines.
Talk about your child's imaginary friend. My friend's four-year-old had an imaginary "prince" who started as a benevolent playmate. But, every time the girl saw her parents fighting, she would come to her mother and say, "My prince called me stupid," or even "My prince hit me." Although she'd never seen her father do these things to her mother, it was clearly the girl's way of coping with her parents' disagreements. Marriage counseling aside, talk to your child any time her imaginary friends engage in upsetting behavior. You may find that it relates directly to something your child is experiencing. A frank conversation can help to directly address these worries.
Don't let the imaginary friend be a scapegoat. Your child shouldn't use his imaginary friend as a scapegoat when he makes a mistake. My daughter first engaged in this behavior when she was only a year old. Whenever she dropped something or made a mistake, she would murmur, "Uh-oh, Sam." I never did learn who "Sam" was, but he stuck around for a year and a half. Encouraging scapegoating prevents your child from developing a sense of responsibility. If your child claims that the Magic Penguin colored on the walls, don't play along. Explain, "No, Penguin didn't do it. You did. And it's your responsibility to help clean up."
Remind your child that imaginary friends aren't authority figures. I once caught my daughter trying to slip out the front door. "You can't go outside without permission," I reminded her. She then said quietly, "My unicorn said I could go outside." Of course, it's important to lay down the law in situations like this. As much as a child may imagine that an imaginary friend is an authority figure, he needs to know that this is a fantasy. Be sure to discuss with your child who is-- and isn't-- in authority over your child. Invisible friends, pets, and other children are not authority figures. Relatives and trusted grown-ups are.
Expand your child's social opportunities. In some cases, children may begin playing with imaginary friends simply because they don't have enough out-of-the-home interaction with real, live children. The best solution to this is to get your child involved with other kids. Make playdates with friends and neighbors. Go to the playground more often. Put your child in a preschool or school that enables and encourages socialization. While your child's imaginary friend isn't a sign that something is wrong in his life, it may be a sign that he is lonely. As a parent, you can help to give your child more real playmates.
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