Things You Shouldn't Discuss with your Kids During a Divorce

I was raised by parents who were both thrice-divorced by the time I was an adult. Like many children of divorced parents, I experienced significant trauma caused by my parents' divorces, largely because my family shared inappropriate information with me. Because of my own experiences, I was extremely careful about ensuring that my own divorce had as little impact on my daughter's well-being as possible. In the two years since I divorced my daughter's father, I've been especially careful to avoid bringing up inappropriate topics related to the divorce.

Here are five things parents should never discuss with their children during or after a divorce.

Finances

The details of your ex-spouse's spending habits or earning patterns are irrelevant to your child. Your child doesn't need to know about your ex running up your credit cards or refusing to try for that promotion at work. A child can easily develops resentment for a parent who earns more money and spends less time at home, or who earns less money and therefore must not care about the family's needs. Your child can't understand the complexities of the situation, so you shouldn't share it with them.

Sexual Intimacy

It's inappropriate-- and even bordering on abusive-- to discuss the details of your sex life with your children. Even if your children are teenagers or young adults, there is no reason for them to know about this very personal aspect of your life with your ex. Some parents will share these details with the specific intention of embarrassing the other spouse, but this is unfair to the child, who will likely feel confused and upset by this inappropriate knowledge. No matter what role sexuality may have played in your divorce, your child shouldn't be aware of it.

Disagreements About Parenting

Maybe you believe in spanking and your ex-spouse is firmly opposed to it, or you're the president of the Happy Plate club, but your ex believes that kids should stop eating when they're full. Regardless of when you and your ex-spouse disagree, and what role it may have played in your divorce, it isn't fair to draw them into the discussion. This could easily cause the child to pick sides in a way that is unfair to the child as well as the other parent.

Adultery

You might want to shout it from the rooftops that your spouse cheated in you, but at least plug your child's ears before you do. Your child shouldn't have to bear such unflattering and upsetting knowledge about his other parent. Not only is the knowledge of a parent's adultery unpleasant and hurtful, but it's also unacceptable because it reveals inappropriate sexual information to the child. Complain about the adulterer to your friends over a margarita, not to your eight-year-old over ice cream.

Substance Abuse

Does your five-year-old need to know about her dad's drunk driving or her mom's habitual pot-smoking? Many parents over-share this information during a divorce, and it can be very detrimental to the children. Even during a divorce, children need to be able to view their parents as sources of stability and safety. The knowledge that one parent is secretly abusing mind-altering substances is not appropriate for a child. If a parent is getting treatment for addiction, "She's sick" is the best explanation until children are old enough to frankly understand and discuss it.