Teaching Your Child Wants vs. Needs

If your child frequently states that she needs a toy, a game, or a piece of candy, she may need a little help grasping the difference between wants and needs. These tips have helped me to demonstrate these differences to my own daughter.

Don't model misuse.

Your children learn language from you -- their primary caregiver. From accepts and inflections to vocabulary and idioms, your children turn to you to learn the fine points of language. If you routinely misuse the words "want" and "need," your child will imitate this misuse. If you can, try to avoid saying things like, "I need some chocolate cake" or "I need a vacation." When your child hears you saying that you want -- but don't need -- these simple pleasures, she'll understand that they are not necessities.

Correct her gently and subtly. Children respond best to subtle, polite correction -- not to lecturing. If my three-year-old says, "I need a new book," I'll respond by saying, "I really want a new book, too. I'll look at how much money I have after we pay rent." This way, my daughter hears me correctly modeling the use of "want" and "need," but doesn't feel overly lectured.

Talk about definitions.

A child who doesn't understand the difference between wants and needs may honestly have difficulty comprehending the definitions of both words. For my child, who asks "What does ____ mean?" twenty times a day, it was easy to explain the word differences. I told her, "When you say 'I want something,' it means that you would feel happy if you had it. When you say 'I need something,' it means that you'll be hurt in some way if you don't get it."

 Make a game out of it.
My kiddo adores guessing games, scenarios, and fill-in-the-blank games. Occasionally, we'll play a game called "Want or Need" where I'll give a scenario and ask if the person wants or needs something specific. A few examples are: "If a girl is sick and can't walk, does she want a wheelchair, or need a wheelchair? If you've already had dinner and don't feel hungry, do you want dessert or do I need dessert? If I'm very thirsty, do I want some water or need some water? If a boy asks Santa to bring him a puppy, does he want the puppy or need the puppy?" The game is surprisingly fun, especially when the game leads to detailed discussions.

Respond differently to wants and needs. If you give in every time your child asks for something, she won't learn that these wants are simple requests, not outright needs. (And therein lies the foundation for spoiling.) If your child says that she needs to use the bathroom, but you don't respond for half an hour, she won't learn that you have an interest in promptly addressing her needs. By responding differently, teach your child that you view wants and needs from a different perspective.