I cringed when I looked at my 3-year-old daughter's homework assignment. She -- or really, I -- need to draw out a map of our family tree, explaining the individuals in it and how they relate to one another. For most kids, this is going to be easy: a mom, a dad, four grandparents, some siblings, and a handful of aunts and uncles. For my child, things are a lot more complicated. She has five grandparents, only two of whom she would recognize on sight. She's met half of her fourteen aunts and uncles. She has no father and no siblings. My best friends -- her "aunts"-- are among the most important adults in her life.
Looking at the assignment, I find myself cursing my dysfunctional family. How is my daughter going to feel when she's around the groups of other children, each with their own perfect nuclear families? There's really no clear way to make life easy for a child who stems from an "alternative," or, less politely, dysfunctional family. Despite all the challenges that I face raising a child in an abnormal family, I feel joy in every day that I spend with my daughter. I can only hope that she, too, will be able to appreciate our lives -- dysfunctionality included. Here are a few tips for helping kids cope with family dysfunction.
Explain what a family is. Your child should understand that a family does not necessarily mean a mother, father and group of children. A good definition of family might be, "A group of people who love each other and support each other." Make it clear that family members love each other unconditionally, not just when it's fun. By teaching that all types of families are still families, you help to clear misconceptions about "dysfunctional" family models.
Rethink your own attitude.
Are you constantly making apologies to your child for having a "dysfunctional" family or a "broken home?" Stop. Your child will only believe that your family is dysfunctional if she receives this message from adults and peers. You provide you child's first model of familial acceptance. A positive attitude sets the stage for lifelong family values, no matter how alternative your family model may be.
Ask your child how she feels. Don't just tell your child about your family. Ask what her thoughts are on it. If she feels slighted or sad to have a "dysfunctional" family, listen and tell her what your own feelings are about the issue. It's normal for children to want what they don't have, especially when it comes to typical family models. Allow your child room to express her emotions about it.
Read about alternative families. Story-times are always an important educational bonding moment for me and my daughter. We have several books about "dysfunctional" family models, including "Do I Have a Daddy?", "Love is a Family," and "All Families are Special." I even started my own educational website about family diversity, A Family Like Yours-- which explains family diversity using animals as models. Explore these resources with your child to expand his understanding of family diversity.
Do an art project. Ask your child to draw a picture of the people in her family. Do not tell her who to include or exclude -- simply let her do what she wants to do. After she is done, ask her to explain why she included the people she included. Is anyone left out? Why or why not? Does your child include non-blood relatives in the family? What about people who are related but don't live with you? Don't give your child the impression that there are right or wrong answers -- simply let her explore her definitions of family with your support.
Expect community tolerance. I had to discuss my concerns about the "My Family" school project with my daughter's teacher before we completed it. I wanted to make sure that the teacher would be understanding and tolerant of our "dysfunctional" family, and would encourage respect from my daughter's classmates. If anyone in your child's circle of friends insults your family model, talk to the child's parents or educators about your concerns. This can help to alleviate the common problem of feeling different or dysfunctional.
My daughter will probably never have that perfect nuclear family that we all see on TV and in movies. My relationship with my own family will likely never be "normal," and she's not likely to grow up knowing her cousins, aunts and uncles in the same way that most children do. Instead of sulking, though, I believe that I have no option but to persevere and to find joy in the lives that my daughter and I were given. As seemingly dysfunctional as our family may look when I hand that sprawling family tree diagram to her teacher, I can be proud, knowing that I am giving my child the best life I could possibly give her.
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