"My mommy has a disease in her brain called depressed," my daughter's friend said somberly, "And it makes her think that no one loves her." My own child's eyes lit up with recognition: "The man who used to be my daddy-- he had a disease in his brain, too, and that's why he went away!" The two preschoolers bonded briefly over the shared experience of having mentally ill parents, then moved on to conversations about "My Little Pony."
Mental illness is extremely common-- affecting as many as one in three people during their lifetimes, according the the World Health Organization. It's difficult, but necessary, for mentally ill parents and their partners to discuss their ailments with their kids. Here are some pointers for talking to children about mental illness.
1. Characterize it objectively, as a sickness. Kids need to think of mental illness the way they think of other kinds of sickness. I have an anxiety disorder, and I've explained it to my daughter by telling her, "My body makes too much of the chemicals that make me feel scared, so my body feels scared even when I don't have a reason to be." Any mental illness can be simplified to similar terms.
2. Explain that it is a matter of degree. Many people deal with depression at some point-- it affects as many as one in four women and one in ten men-- but only a few people develop symptoms that are positively disabling or life-threatening. Explain to your child that some kinds of mental illnesses (or "brain problems," as we call them in my family) are severe, but others are not-- just as a virus can make you either very sick or only a little sniffly.
3. Make sure your child understands it's not her fault. I have had to spend a lot of time explaining to my daughter that her biological father's severe mental illness-- the ultimate reason that he is no longer in her life-- is not her fault or her doing. She understands that he was sick a long time before she was born and that she didn't do anything to make it worse or to make him leave. Children tend to assign blame to themselves when it is inappropriate, so it's important to provide reassurance of this.
4. Help your child cope with her own problems.. A few weeks ago, my daughter came to me and said, "I think I might have a brain problem called anxiety 'sorder like you do. I sometimes think people are saying bad things about me, all the time." I calmly explained that she does have a little social anxiety, and that it's normal, but that she doesn't have an anxiety disorder. However, I made sure that she understood that she can talk to me if she ever feels very sad or very scared. Reassure your child that severe mental illness is rare and that she is not likely to have it-- you don't want her to become unrealistically convinced that she has the same ailments as her parents. However, it's important to let your child know that there is no harm or shame in coming to you if she is worried about her own mental health.
5. Emphasize that it's not bad or shameful to be mentally ill. Your child needs to understand that people don't choose to be mentally ill any more than they choose to catch a cold. Being sick is never anything to be ashamed of. However, it's also important to emphasize the importance of privacy and respect. Above everything else, your child should understand that mentally ill people need and deserve compassion.
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