My 3-year-old daughter was playing at the McDonald's Playplace a few weeks ago. She and her 5-year-old acquaintance gladly compared their Happy Meal toys, talked about their schools, and discussed their favorite kinds of dinosaurs. As my daughter removed her shoes to climb onto the playground equipment, her playmate turned toward me in shock.
"Um, ma'am?" he said in a slight panic, "Why is your son wearing nail polish?"
"She's not my son. She's my daughter," I said, "And she likes to wear boys' clothes."
The look of shock on the child's face -- and on his mother's face -- said everything. He had spent the previous hour believing that he was playing with another boy. This didn't upset me at all -- it amused me and made me feel proud. I have absolutely no reservations about letting my daughter cross-dress. Here's why.
1. Boys' clothes suit my daughter's interests. My daughter positively adores cars, dinosaurs, trains and space ships. But when was the last time you saw a girls' shirt with a graphic of a T. rex or Thomas the Tank Engine? Like any other child, my daughter likes to use her clothes to express her identity. I don't limit her interests based on her gender, so why would I stop her from wearing boys' clothes?
2. I am proud of my daughter for who she is. I love my daughter and everything about her -- including her decision to reject gender stereotypes and dress in the way she pleases. I am secure enough in my own identity that I don't feel a need to force my child into a box and limit her because of her gender. I don't see a reason to struggle with, or to change, who she is as an individual.
3. A child's identity is in the heart, not between the legs. Even before my daughter was born, I chose not to box her into constraints based on her gender identity -- so I didn't find out her sex until the day she was born. My reasoning was simple: a child's genitals say little, if anything, about who they are. My daughter's preferences for clothing have nothing at all to do with her sex. There's no reason to force an identity on any child based on biology.
4. I'm not a homophobe.
I once heard a mother at a party describing with horror that her effeminate 5-year-old son would "steal" his sister's clothes and jewelry. The mom said that she was "worried" about her son's gender-atypical behavior. I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable, because it seemed like she was saying that it would be a tremendous problem if her son turned out to be gay or transgender. Personally, I'm not afraid of my daughter's future orientation -- whatever it might be -- and I don't see any reason to discourage gender-nonconformist tendencies. The only parents who I know who have a problem with cross-dressing are homophobic.
5. I want to teach fearless self-expression.
This morning, when my daughter was picking out her clothes, she decided to wear a Lightning McQueen t-shirt "because we really love 'Cars'," and floral pants "because we really love the Earth." Contradictions aside, she went on to choose a butterfly clip for her hair, her most masculine-looking shoes, and several stickers with pandas on them. Even as strangers turn and stare, wondering if I have a cross-dressing boy, a cross-dressing girl, or a very badly-chosen secondhand wardrobe, I feel proud. My child knows that she can be who she wants to be, without fear or apology. I couldn't ask for anything more than that.
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