My friend and I were driving back from a weekend vacation while my three-year-old daughter sat quietly in the back seat. After a few moments of silence, my daughter piped, "I love you, Mama."
"Little brat," my friend mumbled under her breath. She then added, "You don't even realize that child is manipulating you."
Comments like these fill my friend's verbal repertoire. If my daughter has a tantrum, she's a "monster." An unusual preference or behavior is "testing limits." A word of affection if "manipulation."And, as my friend will gladly tell me, this is all my fault because I spoil my kid. No matter what I do or how my child behaves, my buddy has a word to say about it. While I may grit my teeth and ball my fists, I've managed to adapt to my friend's ever-critical attitude, because-- at the end of the day-- I know she's there for me and for my daughter. Here are some tips that have helped me cope with a friend who criticizes my parenting.
1. Consider the source. If your friend criticizes your parenting on an ongoing basis, consider her past experiences. Was she abused by a parent? Did she have a miscarriage once? Is her child disabled? Do her kids have behavioral problems, and does she blame herself for them? When I looked at my friend's reasons for being so opinionated, I found myself realizing that her own traumas and personal struggles led to her opinions. It's not because she's a bad person, but because she's coping with her own struggles.
2. Listen. If you shut your ears every time someone gives you feedback about parenting, you're doing yourself and your child a disservice. When a friend constantly critiques your skills as a parent, he or she may actually have valuable input. My comrade did point out a few things that I had failed to notice-- for example, that I am inconsistent in how I handle tantrums, and that I often have to repeat myself to get my daughter's undivided attention. While your critical friend's advice may be inappropriate, it might also be valuable.
3. Explain your own position. "Listen" doesn't necessarily mean "obey." Your friend is not in a position of authority to enforce her parenting perspectives on you. You also are not obligated to explain every parenting decision you make. However, for the sake of peaceful conversation, you might benefit from having a heart-to-heart about your reasons for parenting the way you do. For example, you might explain, "I understand that spankings work for your family, but, the way Ben is, I know he would just become angrier and would behave more badly if I used corporal punishment. Time-outs are going well for us."
4. Defer to an expert. There will always be that know-it-all mom who tries to contradict expert advice. She tells you to put your baby on her belly to sleep, to skip vaccines, and to use cola as a colic treatment. Good intentions aside, her advice is misguided or even outright dangerous. Whenever a friend criticizes your parenting, especially if it contradicts your pediatrician's advice, mention expert opinions. You might volunteer, "Sally's pediatrician said it's perfectly normal for a child to still be in diapers at two-and-a-half," or, "You may not think that my son has autism, but experts who spend their entire lives studying autism believe that he has it."
5. Shrug it off. Unfounded advice isn't something to lose your mind-- or your friendship-- over. If your friend is otherwise a good companion and a benefit to you as an individual, rude advice isn't anything to get into a tizzy over. It's also not a reason to beat yourself up or to decide that you are inadequate as a parent. If you're sick of the critiques, say so. Switch the subject, head for the playground, and enjoy the companionship that you have. Life is too short to worry about nit-picky annoyances like poor parenting advice.
No comments:
Post a Comment