I recently acquired a nasty respiratory bug and had to spend most of the day lying in bed, feeling miserable. As I lay shivering, coughing, wheezing, and hacking, my 3-year-old daughter cuddled next to me and began playing with my hair. She brought me an imaginary cup of echinacea tea and gently said, "Mommy, I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to tell you a story and snuggle with you while you sleep. I'm going to be here for you for the rest of your life."
Maybe I can blame it on the illness, but I burst into tears, realizing how lucky I am to have such a compassionate and thoughtful child. I've come to realize that the most rewarding moments in parenting aren't just vacations and Christmas mornings, but also the tough times -- illness, loss of loved ones, divorce, and financial stress. Here are some ways I've learned to enjoy parenting during the tough times.
1. When the going gets tough, bring your kids closer-- don't push them away. I think that one of the biggest mistakes that parents make is to push their kids further away when times are hard. This is especially common when a parent is depressed and wants to shelter her children from her illness, or when a major family problem seems too grown-up for a child to understand. In my experience, though, it's much more harmful for a child to be pushed away than embraced during times of parental stress. The harder things are, the more important it is to keep your loved ones -- kids included -- close by.
2. Let your kids know what's going on.
Most parents lie to their children to protect them from unfortunate events occurring around them. We don't tell our kids that grandpa has cancer, that our friends are going through divorces, or that we're stressed about finances. While I understand and value the importance of sheltering kids from grown-up problems, I also think it's important to give them some idea of why we're upset or stressed. Children are human beings and have a right to know what is going on in their families -- and they are far more likely to sympathize with their parents if they understand why mommy and daddy are so upset.
3. Reassure your children.
Although you can and should tell your children what's going on in your life (and, by proxy, theirs), it's also important to provide them with reassurance. While I was fighting illness, I let my daughter know several times that I was going to be OK. Similarly, if you are facing job loss, divorce, or depression, it's critical to remind your kids that they are loved and that -- no matter what -- you will handle these problems as a family. It's in these moments that you are most likely to bond with your children.
4. Work together to find solutions. During difficult times, your child is more likely to sympathize, and less likely to behave out-of-line, if he feels like he has some control over the challenging situation at hand. Give your children tasks to help you during tough times -- perhaps encouraging your preschooler to bring you water while you fight illness, or asking your preteen to do extra chores while you work overtime. When you work as a family unit, not in isolation, everyone benefits.
5. Do something fun. Even during difficult, stressful times, it's important to do something fun with your kids. Whether you're sick, unemployed, depressed, or coping with the loss of a loved one, take a moment to do something fun with your children. During tough times, a single game of Candyland or a quick trip to the zoo can make all the difference between agony and warm memories.
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