My daughter had separation anxiety as a baby and toddler, but it went away for quite some time. For over a year, I could leave her with anyone, anywhere, without it provoking crying or fear. Then, at four and a half, she suddenly entered a new stage of separation anxiety that was unlike anything she'd had before. Although it wasn't as behaviorally severe as it was in toddlerhood, it was clearly as emotionally difficult for her. For a few weeks, she become upset as soon as her father or I announced our intention to leave the house. She would squeal, "Tell me 'bye!' I need to tell you bye! Come back and GIVE ME SOME BYE-BYE LOVE!"
For preschoolers, separation anxiety can be as hard as it is for babies and toddlers. However, good parenting can help this phase pass by as quickly and painlessly as possible. Here are some things to consider about your preschooler's separation anxiety.
1. Know that it's normal. Some separation anxiety is normal until about five years of age. At four, a child is developmentally programmed to need time apart from his parents, but also to feel nervous about the prospect of separation. Some degree of fear and nervousness when you leave your child with another caregiver is completely normal.
2. Understand the cause. In babies, separation anxiety is caused by an inability to understand object permanence. Babies do not understand that their parents continue to exist when they are not within sight. Toddlers experience separation anxiety because they depend on their parents for comfort and security. By the preschool years, separation anxiety has a new cause: a feeling of loss and concern. My daughter's anxiety, for example, seems to be tied to a fear that she might forget to say good-bye, or that she might not have fun without me.
3. Provide comfort and reassurance. The solution to separation anxiety isn't to sneak out the door when your child isn't looking; this only reinforces the insecure notion that you might disappear without warning at any given point-- making your child's anxiety worse. When you leave your preschooler with another parent or caregiver, tell her good-bye, explain where you're going, and reassure her that you'll be home soon.
4. Know when it's excessive. If your preschooler's separation anxiety is especially severe or long-lasting, it's time to get in touch with his pediatrician. Preschoolers who show symptoms of panic, such as vomiting, disorientation, rapid heart rate, or long-lasting tantrums, may be coping with deeper problems, not developmentally normal levels of anxiety. Bring up these symptoms to your pediatrician for help evaluating, identifying, and treating clinical symptoms of separation anxiety.
Click here for more information about separation anxiety at all stages of child development.
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