Cosleeping Woes: When Sleep-Sharing Babies Won't Sleep Alone

For all the spectacular benefits offered by cosleeping, there is one problem that sleep-sharing parents almost unanimously complain about: when a baby or toddler absolutely refuses to sleep alone. Despite jeers of "we-told-you-so" from naysayers opposed to attachment parenting, this is not a sign that your baby is spoiled-- and, no, the proper response is not to make him "Cry it Out" via the Ferber Method.

Why your Baby won't Sleep Alone

Most people who are unfamiliar with attachment parenting and cosleeping--your mother-in-law, for instance-- will likely insist that your cosleeping baby is refusing to sleep alone because he is spoiled. It is much more likely that the baby's habit isn't based in "spoiling", but rather, in confident attachment. He doesn't wake up when you're not with him because he wants to manipulate or abuse you-- he wakes up because he loves you and is accustomed to feeling secure by your side.

A "dependent" cosleeping baby or toddler is actually showing signs of healthy, natural attachment, not a bad habit or an intention to manipulate. Babies raised with an attachment parenting model have a realistic expectation that their needs will be met-- often, a baby or toddler will wake up with an expectant, rather than panicked, cry, simply because he wants to make sure his parents will still be coming to bed soon.

Does it Really Need to Change?

Some parents may decide to adjust their babies' sleep arrangements for a variety of reasons: perhaps they are afraid that their child is becoming excessively dependent, or cosleeping prevents parents from enjoying a full night's sleep. In other cases, the parents may intend to continue cosleeping, but they want to eliminate the "Hey, aren't you coming to bed?" cries that echo across the house in the hours between Baby's bedtime and Mama's bedtime.

In either case, it is important to ask yourself if you really want the baby to sleep alone, or if this is a case of the grass being greener on the other side. When your baby is thirteen, you will most likely miss snuggling her to sleep, watching her smile when she sees you enter the room, and hearing the content sigh of "Ma-ma" as she drifts back to sleep. If you're really ready to move on, the following tips, curtesy of attachment parenting guru Dr. William Sears, may help.

Making the Breast Less Available

In The Attachment Parenting Book, the "bible" of immersion-style parenting, Dr. Sears and his wife Martha recommend gradually weaning the baby away from nighttime attachment by increasing space between the baby and the breast. A baby who is accustomed to sleeping soundly with a nipple on his cheek will, naturally, feel alarmed when he rolls over, half-asleep, and realizes he is alone.

The process of weaning away from breast-dependency can begin with simply wearing a shirt to bed, or covering yourself with your gown while you and the baby sleep. As he becomes more used to feeling secure without his all-night pacifier on-hand, you can begin sleeping with him a few inches or feet away from you, possibly in his own side-car attachment, until he is eventually ready to sleep independently.

Getting Papa Involved

"Nursing does not always mean breastfeeding," say William and Martha Sears. A father is just as capable of nursing a baby to sleep as a mother-- he just doesn't happen to be equipped with fully functional milk-dispensers. With a little creativity and adjustment, a baby can adjust to being comforted to sleep by his father, and this can gradually help him to wean away from cosleeping g in general.

As a baby or toddler comes to accept the process of being comforted by something other than the breast, she learns that the sky does not fall every time the nummies aren't around to hold it up. This can help her to become more comfortable sleeping without Mom around-- and, over time, without Dad, as well. If at all possible, have your husband participate in his fair share of nighttime parenting, and the baby will learn to sleep alone.

Avoiding Emotional Trauma

The Cry-it-Out, or Ferber, method of parenting is proven to be extremely damaging to a child's emotional state and physical health. However, much worse than a consistent Ferber-style approach is a sudden shift to a parenting style that is the polar opposite of a child's most familiar experience. If a baby is accustomed to all-night cuddles and full-time cosleeping, there is nothing more terrifying than suddenly being left alone in a cold crib, crying for hours at a time.

Attachment parenting and cosleeping to not work for every family, but if parents need to shift from the attachment parenting model to an independent-sleeping arrangement, it should be done gradually. The child can be spared long-term emotional harm if the parents exercise patience and cooperation. Remember: "This, too, shall pass."