5 Things You Should Never Say to Special-Needs Parents

We special-needs parents have enough on our plates without having to hear things like... 

1. "Things will be better one day."

It's always good to express hope and faith for a family that is suffering, but these sorts of hollow reassurances often make parents just feel worse. In many cases, things will not be better for a special-needs child one day. Express your hope, admiration, and support for the child, but don't promise that things will get better. To a parent grieving the eventual loss of a child, this false reassurance will only make things hurt more.

2. "God is testing you."

This is one of the biggest insults you can give to a parent of a special-needs child, according to my friend whose son has severe autism. Even if you know that the parent is religious, it's rude and insensitive to imply that a child's severe challenges in life are caused by a higher, supernatural power. No one wants to believe that God would put an innocent child through daily torture or an early death just to prove a point to the child's mom. Even if this is meant with good intentions, it tends to hurt deeply.

3. "What's wrong with him?"

It's compassionate and respectful to want to educate yourself, or your children, about the condition of a special-needs child, but this isn't the way to do it. If you are genuinely curious and want to be educated-- not just nosy-- most parents would be glad to talk to you about their children's conditions. The best way to ask, though, is to use compassionate terms. Instead of asking, "What's wrong with him?", say something more like, "I can't understand him when he's speaking to me; is he having some trouble?" or "My son is curious about daughter. Would you mind explaining a little to him?"

4. "Did you know about it before he was born? Did you think about having an abortion?"

I was shocked when a friend told me that a stranger had asked this, about her son with spina bifida. What a cruel and insulting thing to say! The decision to terminate, or not terminate, a pregnancy is always extremely personal and emotional, and it's not something that any woman has ever taken lightly. To ask a mother to recount the details of such a difficult decision is unfair to her-- and to her child.

5. "Is she going to get better?"

This question can be very hurtful for two reasons. If the child's condition is expected to be terminal, the answer of, "No, she'll die before that happens," is hardly a pleasant response to give. In many cases, a child with special needs has a chance of getting "better" (for example, many children with autism can eventually live independently and function normally), but it's still a rude question to ask. No parent knows exactly what the future holds for their children. Be respectful by choosing not to ask.

6. "I know about a special treatment that can cure your child."

Cool it, snake oil salesman. Unless you are a medical expert who specializes in treating children with this exact condition, you do not have any answers that can help this kid. Do the parents a favor and don't talk about the article or YouTube video you saw claiming that someone has a cure for this condition. Not only have the parents certainly already heard about it, but odds are high that it is actually a scam.

7. "Did you breastfeed/was he vaccinated/did you smoke when you were pregnant?"

These questions can be very insulting to the moms of special-needs kids, because they can imply that the parent is to blame for the child's problems. Even if the mother did do something that might have caused, or contributed to, the child's special needs, it does no good to make her feel bad about choices she made in the past. Another thing to bear in mind is that many special-needs children are adopted. The (adoptive) mother of a child with fetal alcohol syndrome should not have to bear the blame or shame for a decision made by someone else.

Parents of special-needs kids have it hard enough-- and the last thing they need is to face the constant judgment or cruelty of people who don't know them well. Be respectful and mindful of the needs of special-needs children and their families. By spreading tolerance and support, rather than judgment or cruelty, you can help to make the world a better place for these remarkable children and the parents who love them.