Nearly one percent of children -- and one in 70 boys-- of my child's generation have an autism spectrum disorder. This statistic shocks me, but I'm even more shocked by the way that parents communicate with one another about autism-spectrum disorders. I have heard many well-meaning parents make insulting accusations and comments toward the moms of these special-needs children. The real tragedy is that many of them don't realize that their words are offensive.
Before you put your foot in your mouth when talking to the parent of a child with autism, consider what you're actually saying and how the other parent might interpret it. Here are some things that you should never, ever say to an autism parent.
1. "You shouldn't have gotten him vaccinated."
This catty, judgmental statement isn't just ignorant; it's extremely upsetting. There is no compelling evidence that vaccines are responsible for the rise in autism rates. Still, most parents of autistic children end up second-guessing every decision they've made, trying to determine if they have somehow done something to cause the condition. From being stressed during pregnancy to eating too much fish while nursing, autism moms are already wracking their brains trying to determine what they might have done wrong and how they could have prevented it. The last thing an autism mom needs is one more person blaming her for her child's struggles.
2. "Kids with autism are geniuses."
When people say this to the parents of kids with autism, they almost always mean it as a compliment, or as a way of comforting the parents. While the intentions are good, the statement is counterproductive. Some children with autism do display savantism and exceptional learning abilities in some areas. Others, however, do not. Many kids with autism are of average or below-average intelligence, and they are every bit as valuable as their savant peers. A child with autism should be loved and appreciated regardless of his intelligence. Autism parents want to know that their kids are valued whether or not they possess some Rainman-like, prodigious ability. Value a child for who he is as an individual, not what you perceive of him based on his condition.
3. "He seems totally normal to me."
The moms of children with Asperger's syndrome and high-function autism are the most likely to hear this one -- and, whether you mean it as an insult or not, it comes across as one. You might think that a child is "totally normal" after interacting with him a handful of times, but you aren't seeing what goes on behind closed doors. You haven't witnessed the inconsolable tantrums, food aversions, sleep disorders, and learning problems. You might not know that an autistic child is only able to speak coherently because of months or years of speech therapy. You can always comment that a child "seems to be doing well," but don't second-guess a diagnosis unless you're a qualified professional.
4. "You need to put your foot down."
I once heard a parent say that "a good spanking with a leather belt" would cure autism throughout the world. When he said this, I think it won the record for the most offensive statement I've heard in my life. The parents of autistic children aren't simply "putting up with" a 6-year-old's tantrums, a 4-year-old's inability to potty-train, or a preteen's lack of social skill. Autism is not, and never has been, curable through discipline. You may think that an autism-parent is too lenient, but -- again -- you're not the one raising the child, and you have no way of knowing what techniques the child does, and doesn't, respond to.
5. "You should try (insert ridiculous fad diet)."
I won't deny that diet can play a role in the manifestation of some autism symptoms -- specifically, they can help to reduce the digestive problems that are often associated with the condition. However, there is absolutely no evidence that gluten-free, casein-free, sugar-free, salicylate-free, or organic diets can treat autism itself. Besides being astronomically expensive, these diets are impractical for many autistic children, since food aversion already sets them up for a tendency toward nutritional deficits. For the most part, the parents of special-needs kids are already doing everything they can do to help their children. Your suggestion that they sink an extra $900 per month into special groceries is not only impractical; it's offensive.
There's no question that autistic children need our help, love and support. But we owe that same level of care to the dedicated parents who work hard at raising, educating, and unconditionally loving their special-needs children. By focusing your words on support, rather than judgment, you can help to give autism parents the support they need and deserve.
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