I'll never forget the way I felt when I heard my four-month-old daughter roll onto the floor from the sofa. Hysteria would be an understatement. I rushed back into the living room from the bathroom, bawling and screaming at the top of my lungs: "My baby! My baby! My poor, beautiful, sweet baby! I'm so sorry! Oh, help me! My baby!" I was squealing and crying so loudly that I hardly noticed that my daughter had stopped crying within seconds. When I did realize this, I thought it was because she was brain-damaged, but, as it turns out, it was because she wasn't hurt.
When I frantically called 9-1-1 and announced in a panic that my daughter had fallen ten inches, from the sofa to the carpet, I expected the operator to tell me that paramedics would be there within seconds, sadly inform me that my daughter was probably brain-damaged for life, declare me neglectful for leaving her unattended on for a few moments, or instruct me on the basics of infant CPR.
Instead, the operator started laughing at me. "I'm sure she's fine," the operator told me in a motherly tone. But, she said, I could call the pediatrician just to be on the safe side.
I did so. His response to me tearily asking him if he thought my baby would be alright? That's right: he laughed at me, too, but made sure I had checked her for the very unlikely possibility of a concussion.
The fact of the matter is that babies are predominantly made out of cartilage: a soft, rubbery precursor to bone that is much more malleable. In other words, they generally bounce, but don't break--nature designed babies with the possibility of a fall in mind. As a result, fractures and concussions from relatively short falls are quite rare in babies under two years. A secret that few parents admit to openly is that nearly every baby has rolled off a bed, sofa, or changing table at some point in his infancy. There is even an old superstition in the Deep South that if a baby doesn't fall by the time he's a year old, he'll die. (This is tongue-in-cheek, of course, so please don't take it literally!)
Naturally, these cases should be avoided at all cost, but it's important to remember that it's generally not that big of a deal if your baby does fall a short distance. Always exercise basic safety precautions and try not to leave your baby unattended, even if he hasn't yet demonstrated his ability to roll over.
If and when a fall does occur, always check for signs of concussion, such as vomiting, lethargy, or unevenly dilated pupils. You may want to brush up on your knowledge of first aid so that you can react rationally, rather than panicking, if your child may have hurt himself. If your child appears to be seriously injured, if he fell a distance of more than eighteen to twenty-four inches, or if you have any doubts at all about your baby's well-being, call your pediatrician immediately, even if only for reassurance.
2. Babies Don't Need Much Grooming.
Entire stores could be dedicated to the useless products dedicated to grooming infants. Hairbrushes, hair-bows, combs, powders, body washes, lotions, wipes, wipe solution, ointments, soaps, oils, bath salts, fragrances, shampoos... The list goes on. One of the biggest secrets of frugal parenthood is that none of these are necessary under most circumstances.
To begin debunking the myth about the necessity of owning these products let's start, literally, at the top. Baby shampoos are usually completely unnecessary; babies' hair can generally be washed using their soap or body wash, or even plain, warm water. It's also generally unnecessary to brush a baby's hair, since it's usually far too short and fine to become tangled. Soft-bristled hairbrushes can, at times, be helpful in removing cradle cap (a common but ultimately benign fungal infection of the scalp), but their use is unwarranted as a general rule. While some parents find it enjoyable to put barrettes and hair-bows in their daughters' hair, these also serve no practical purpose in infant grooming.
While many parents find that it is worthwhile to bathe their babies on a daily basis, this is also unnecessary, and may even be overly drying to baby's skin, which can worsen some conditions such as eczema. It can be important--especially in hot weather--to spot-clean young babies in rash-prone areas, such as the buttocks, labia or scrotum, underarm, and neck, but it is rarely essential to give the baby a full-body bath to keep these areas clean. A bath every night can sometimes be a relaxing ritual and may help to establish a bedtime routine, but it should be remembered that these baths are not important in keeping your baby clean.
Much emphasis is also placed by new parents on keeping a baby's bottom clean and dry. While it can be critical to focus attention on this area in the event of diaper rash, it is a waste of time to dwell on concerns about bottom-cleanliness under most circumstances. Although many caregivers apply diaper ointment or baby powder with every change, this is often a tremendous waste of time, energy, and money, since few babies will develop a diaper rash if they are changed frequently. If you do find that you need to apply an ointment to treat or prevent a rash, zinc oxide-based ointments are economical and very effective. It is generally advised that powders be avoided, since talc-based powders are easily inhaled and starch-based powders can contribute to Candida (yeast) overgrowth.
From the nineteen fifties well into the nineties, parents were taught that it was of utmost importance that they keep their baby's skin soft and supple. Millions of dollars were spent on expensive (and often somewhat toxic) lotions and oils marketed for use on babies. We now know that highly fragrant or synthetic lotions, as well as petroleum-based mineral oils, can actually be somewhat drying and caustic to baby's sensitive skin. The best way to avoid over-drying a baby's skin is to not give baths unless the baby is dirty. Your pediatrician may recommend that you use a lotion or baby oil if your baby has eczema or exceptionally dry skin, in which case it is best to use a natural alternative that is free of sulfur-based contaminants. It is enjoyable to apply lotion to an infant as a bedtime massage, but, as with the bedtime bath, you may want to bear in mind that these rituals are for fun, not for necessity.
3. It's Normal to Feel Some Resentment.
The first few months of parenthood are as difficult as they are beautiful. While every parent revels in those first few smiles, gurgles, and coos, you may occasionally find yourself feeling disappointed, resentful, and even angry with your baby.
While these feelings are not exactly healthy, they are far from abnormal. A baby is a perfect blessing that is capable of bringing an absolutely transcendent level of bliss, but there are few things about a baby's life--from conception, to pregnancy, to birth, to his first birthday--that are convenient. You may feel like your life plans, your marriage, your body, and your finances have been altered and stressed to a breaking point, and it's natural to feel some sense of resentment and even regret about the new role you are playing as a parent.
Along with all the new and wonderful joys that parenting brings, there are many aspects of parenthood that may strike you as a disappointment. All those tiny little clothes may not fit or may be covered with spit-up stains within days. You may have had a C-section when you wanted a natural birth. You may have wanted a girl, but had a boy instead. All those expensive baby-gadgets may simply be gathering dust because they are not actually useful. To some degree, these feelings are well within the scope of normalcy, and most parents will find that, for every disappointment, they will find an equal sense of unexpected fulfillment and joy.
It's critical that all new parents bear in mind that they are not alone in having occasional feelings of disappointment in their baby. Feeling less-than-satisfied with the new adventure of parenthood is common, and it does not mean that you love your child any less or that you are a bad parent. Even feeling like you have not bonded with your baby--a process that can take months or even years for some families--does not necessarily indicate that there is anything wrong with you, your child, or your parenting skills.
If you have difficulty coping with the stresses of parenthood, it is wise to join a support group or find some friends who are also parents to share your feelings with. On-line parenting forums can be especially helpful if you think you might feel ashamed of spilling your regrets about parenthood to someone you'll see again in person. The sense of anonymity provided by the Internet can be an emotional lifesaver to new parents who are too afraid of judgment to talk about their experiences.
However, if your feelings are accompanied by violent thoughts, a sense of losing reality, suicidal ideation, a lack of interest in your baby, hallucinations, or severe depression, these thoughts are not normal, and you should not let anyone convince you that they are. If you are experiencing these symptoms, contact your health-care provider immediately, as they may be signs of postpartum psychosis: a serious, but treatable, medical condition that requires prompt attention in order to protect you and your baby.
4. Your Baby is a Person.
This should be obvious, but it's a detail about infancy that most baby-books completely forget to tell parents. Within the mainstream parenting community, there is a tremendous amount of focus on cognitive milestones, behavioral norms, and physical development. In the ruckus of keeping up with their baby's progress and growth, many parents completely forget that their child is a human being, not a machine with a pre-programmed set of functions to preform at standard times.
I once met a woman who had proudly announced to me that her five-month-old son was so smart that he already had his first tooth. I laughed and, in a friendly tone, said that my five-month-old daughter was so smart that she could sit upright unassisted. I thought that this young mother might catch that I was saying this in jest--to casually point out the error of expecting physiological milestones to foretell a child's intelligence--but she did not catch my humor, and exclaimed, "Wow, she must really be something!"
It is important to remember that a child's milestones have very little to do with their mental capacity or long-term motor control, except in the cases of severe delays that are far outside the accepted realm of normal. I knew a child who could sing her alphabet at eighteen months of age, but still could not read at age six, and I know an adult who did hardly spoke a word until he was almost three years old, but later went on to become an Ivy-League graduate. There is little, if any, correlation between the times at which these milestones are met and the child's overall level of intelligence.
Babies, like older children and adults, learn and grow on a large bell curve, which is in very few ways indicative of their future abilities. To say that a eight-month-old "should" be able to crawl is comparable to claiming that an sixteen-year-old "should" be able to drive: some can, some can't, and it has little relevance in judging the child's overall abilities.
Children are individuals, just as much as adults are, and it's wise to avoid putting too much stock in milestones. Even if your neighbor or sister-in-law is constantly bragging about her child's early achievements, bear in mind that this in no way means that her child is smarter, healthier, or more successful than yours.
5. It's Not Your Fault.
While I'm not advocating a total lack of responsibility when it comes to parenting--it's important that we all do what's best for our children, to the best of our abilities. It's typical in our society to eagerly blame parents when something goes wrong in the early days of infanthood. One of the most important lessons you can teach yourself is that your child has a mind and body of his own, and that there are few things about raising a child that can be mapped out in full detail, to be followed step-by-step with no errors whatsoever.
Never let anyone, especially not your spouse (or, Heaven forbid, your mother-in-law) convince you that every single accident that you encounter is somehow your fault. Mistakes happen to everyone, even when we're trying our hardest. Your baby will likely get a heat rash, a mosquito bite, a bump, or a bruise that could have been prevented, but there is no way to fully avoid every accident that could possibly happen.
Many women will mourn for months or even years over tiny mistakes that led to greater problems, but it would be quite unrealistic to expect none of these mistakes to ever occur. One woman might give birth to a child with neural tube defects, and feel like it was her fault because her morning sickness kept her from swallowing her folic-acid supplements. Another mother may blame herself about a serious ear infection that came about when her child had been switched to bottle-feeding out of necessity. A father may feel as if he were to blame for forgetting to bring extra diapers on a day-trip and accidentally causing his daughter's first diaper rash.
Other parents are likely to feel as if their inability to juggle work, cooking, cleaning, childcare, romance, and friendship makes them inadequate. It's critical that all new mothers and fathers be willing to cut themselves some slack when it comes to balancing their time. If you need to take the phone off the hook and nap for three hours while the baby rests, do it. If you need to call into work sick one day just because you desperately need a break, do it. If you need to tell all of your friends that you'd just like to be left alone for a few weeks, that's fine, too. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of your friends, family, and work--and you need to avoid feeling any sense of guilt regarding this.
To err his human, and I can assure you that not a single mother or father on the history of this planet has ever raised a child to adulthood without a single faux-pas. While it's important to take the care of your child to your greatest ability, it is also important that you remember that you are bound to make mistakes, and that you are not a bad parent, spouse, or employee because of these mistakes.
Parenthood is a wild ride. Give yourself a break and enjoy it.
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