10 Things Autism Parents are Sick of Hearing

As the mom of an awesome special-needs kid, I find myself periodically twitching and bristling when I get stuck in conversation with other parents. Every single sanctimommy on Earth seems to want to give her two cents about my daughter, why she's different, and what I can do to cure her. There are twenty things in particular that people should absolutely never say to the parents of autistic kids. Please restrain the urge to say these things to autism parents!

1. Have you tried gluten-free? 
No, I haven't, because I have no evidence whatsoever that my daughter has an allergy or an intolerance to gluten. I've seen celiac disease and it's not pretty. I also know that I'm not going to further compromise my picky eater's nutrition by unnecessarily restricting her diet. Leave this to me and her health care providers, please.

2. Was she vaccinated?

There is no good outcome to this question. If the answer is "Yes," someone will blame the parent for "causing" the child's autism. If the answer is "No," then they'll come up with other bogus reasons to blame health care or parents. It's not fair to anyone.

3. But he's so smart! 
People always say this as if they're stunned by the realization that autistic children can be bright. I'm flattered when someone compliments my child's intelligence, but I'm angry when they act like it's somehow shocking.

4. Have you had his hearing checked?

Autism and deafness can sometimes look alike. That's why all autistic kids are usually screened for hearing problems before they're diagnosed. I promise, there is no test that you can suggest that a competent parent and competent pediatrician haven't already looked into.

5. At least it's not…

Look, you won't make things better for me or my child by insulting someone else. Don't compare her to a nonverbal or physically disabled child you know to reassure me of how good we have it. I'm proud of my daughter every day of her life and always will be, and I don't need to look down on someone else's child to feel that way.

6. God gives special children to special parents!

Well, gee, thanks, but what's the implication here? That God gives children disabilities to make a point to their parents? That's not the God I know. This statement is also a tremendous insult to the millions of disabled children who are abused by their parents. Unfortunately, nature doesn't carefully select good parents for the children who need them most.

7. But there's nothing wrong with her!

Yes, I agree. There is nothing "wrong" with autistic kids. It's just one way that the human brain functions, and I have no desire to change it. But it's very insulting to imply that, somehow, a whole group of doctors, development experts, and education specialists all know less about autism than some stranger with an unwanted opinion. I know my child. I know her strengths and I know her challenges. I don't need your opinion on whether or not her diagnosis is correct (and no one else needs it, either).

8. You need to get control of your kid!

Until you have raised a very high-need child yourself, you are in no position to dictate how, why, or when a parent should "get control" of her kid. Most parents of autistic kids have already tried anything that you might suggest, and then some. There are always bad parents out there, both of autistic and neurotypical kids, but as an outsider you're not in any position to judge a person'sparenting on the basis of a few minutes of interaction.

9. She's a crystal child!

Don't make me puke. Our kids are special. They're different. Many of them are gifted. But they are not magical. They don't have psychic powers and they haven't come from another planet to guide us into the Age of Aquarius. They can not communicate telepathically with trees, or with animals, or with each other. They're human beings. The implication that they aren't is insulting, whether you mean it as a compliment or not.

10. But he looks normal.

What did you expect? There are no physical features that can distinguish an autistic child from a neurotypical child. If you're ignorant enough to think that there are, you really shouldn't be commenting on someone else's child to begin with. Bear in mind that many kids will even seem and act "normal" (whatever that means) much of the time. It doesn't change their baseline neurology.