Why I Don't Want People to Call My Daughter Pretty

My three-year-old daughter is beautiful. She has big, brown eyes, chubby cheeks, curly hair, and a gorgeous olive complexion. I happen to think she's the most adorable child I have ever laid eyes on. Still, though, I bristle whenever I hear strangers repeatedly telling my daughter she's pretty. I won't specifically ask people not to compliment my daughter's appearance, but I do wish that fewer people would do so. Here's why.

1. Talk to my child like she's an interactive human being, not an object. We rarely introduce ourselves to other adults by saying, "My, aren't you pretty!" So why do we do it to children? The answer is, essentially, that we view young kids-- especially little girls-- as people too young to have true interests, opinions, or personalities. For many adults, a child's appearance is the only thing we find worth commenting on. Instead of making a superficial judgment, I would like to see more people ask my daughter about her beliefs and hobbies. I want people to acknowledge that my daughter is far more than the shell she inhabits.

2. I don't want my daughter to be arrogant. I want my daughter to have a positive self-image and to know that she is a beautiful human being, through and through. I don't, however, want her to think that she is somehow more valuable or important than any of the other people around her. Almost everyone I know has met a child or two who bullies and harasses other children based on appearance-- and this sort of behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I don't want my daughter to ever develop the idea that her appearance makes her in any way superior to anyone around her.

3. I also don't want my daughter to be insecure. Over-complimenting a child can actually have a significant adverse effect on self-esteem. Kids who become accustomed to compliments also become dependent upon them, and they feel insecure and nervous when these compliments cease. I also don't want her to value her appearance to the point that it becomes central to her sense of self-worth. If she thinks her looks are the most important thing about her, how will she feel when acne, aging, scars, and the other inevitable blemishes of life begin to take their toll?

4. I value the traits my daughter chooses-- not the traits she was born with. There are billions of beautiful people in the world. Many of them are far more beautiful than my child. It's not her appearance that makes her a special human being-- it's the fact that she's loving, self-motivated, compassionate and funny. Those are traits that she works to improve, that make her truly stand out as a character. I want my daughter to know that I love her not because of the face she happens to have, but because she wakes me up with a hug every morning, because she makes hand-made cards for me every week, and because she has a clever, humorous response to everything I say. I value my daughter for being a good person, not for incidentally being cute.

I'll never take offense when someone compliments my child, but I'd be relieved if fewer people felt a need to comment on her appearance. I know she's cute, she knows she's cute, and most people probably share my opinion. But for now, I'd prefer that the "you're a cutie-pie!" compliments stop, and that the world focus more on valuing our daughters' minds and hearts over skin-deep beauty.