My daughter is very bright and affectionate, and she developed a strong tendency toward separation anxiety early in infancy. At around two months of age-- before most babies even develop an identity independent of their mothers-- my daughter started crying any time that I left the room. The stage lasted well into her first, second and even third years of life, but we managed the problem in a manner that was as painless and as possible. Now, at nearly three, my daughter has become a friendly, social butterfly who can usually tolerate my absence without any complaints.
Here are a few tips that helped us to survive the stage of severe separation anxiety in infancy and toddlerhood.
1. Meet your child's needs. Despite what some parenting experts (and your own mother-in-law) might say, it won't benefit your baby to deprive him of attention or affection. If your baby is clingy and prone to separation anxiety, you can't change his personality by witholding your love. If you stop holding, cuddling and talking to your baby on a regular basis, she will not magically learn independence. She may eventually give up and stop expecting affection from you, but do you really want to sacrifice your child's love and trust in exchange for an artificially faster transition toward independence? If your baby needs to be held more than most babies, hold her. Your child's needs must remain a priority.
2. Understand who she is. I'm amazed by how inherent our individual personalities are. My "Velcro-baby" was born to be loving, affectionate and perhaps a bit insecure. My neighbor, who parents her son in almost the exact same way that I parent my daughter, has a child who has always been fiercely independent and somewhat unaffectionate. Part of loving your child means accepting her core personality, even if she's clingier than most other children. Love your child unconditionally, even if that means accepting that she is more prone to separation anxiety than most of her peers. Don't expect her innate personality to change.
3. Move gradually toward separation. Baby-steps are important in all areas of infant development. You and your child are more likely to overcome his separation anxiety if you approach the hurtle gradually. Instead of forcing him to sleep alone, stay with a babysitter and play independently within the same day, take each step carefully and in tune with his needs. If your baby has severe night-time separation, you can adjust him to independent sleep a few hours (and inches) at a time. Start by letting him sleep alone an hour per night. Then increase this to two, three or four hours as he develops an ability to rest without your presence. "Boot camp" baby-training doesn't work and can hurt your child, but gradual separation is beneficial to you both.
4. Help him adjust to other caregivers. If your baby simply isn't used to accepting other caregivers, help him become comfortable around them. Let your babysitter play with your child for an hour or two while you are at home. Take your baby to the home of one of your friends or relatives, and allow him to enjoy the company of these other trusted adults. Daily outings to public spaces such as the playground, a restaurant, or the park can also help your child accept the presence of other adults. The ability to trust others must come before your baby is ready to be separated from you.
5. Take care of yourself. If you have a baby with severe separation anxiety, it's especially important that you make time to tend to your own needs. If your baby's fear of isolation keeps you from showering, eating or attending to other essential needs, you and your baby will both suffer. A sensitive baby will notice if you are upset, under-rested or flustered, so his separation anxiety may worsen under these circumstances. You can't successfully parent your baby unless you address your own emotional, physical and spiritual needs. Even if your baby cries, make sure that you are finding time for yourself.
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